Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A year ago tomorrow...

In the early days, I kept a journal. As time passed, I relied more and more on the shoulders of other bereaved mothers through the MISS Foundation, which I am so very lucky to be a part of. We never have to walk this journey alone. Looking back at this time last year, we were just past 9 months since we held our little girl in our arms, since life has so drastically and so quickly changed. We were months away from holding our little rainbow boy in our arms, his life a voucher for hope restored.

Just over a year ago, I wrote the following post:

I had a horrible night last night. I was very paranoid for some unknown reason and felt very uneasy before falling asleep. It takes hours for me to fall asleep anymore, but I'm kind of used to that now. Before I fell asleep, my mind kept flashing back to the events surrounding Keely's death and delivery. Every last detail; things I hadn't remembered up until now. My husband and son were both sleeping peacefully (I checked on their breath like a crazy person) and I laid there crying. I tried to think of a million different things to distract myself. I prayed for what seemed like hours, but everytime my mind would wander back to those weeks. It's not that I want to forget them; they're almost all I have of Keely. I would rather remember the happy times with her though. After about 4 hours of that, I finally fell asleep only to have horrible nightmares, filled with blood. Very vivid, bright blood in each dream. When I woke up, though exhausted, I didn't even know if I wanted to go to sleep again. There is no safe place in times like these, I guess. There was no reason this time; no anniversary, no sad song I heard, just my mind going crazy.I don't know if I'm just getting scared of not bringing home this rainbow baby, whom I already love. I know a huge part of me is afraid of letting other people forget Keely. I know we'll never forget her and I also know it doesn't really matter; some people want to forget. But I feel like it's up to us as her parents to not allow anyone in our presence to forget her. I'm a bit afraid that when our rainbow baby is born, people will think we've forgotten her. There's no real point to this other than to get it off my chest.

MISSing Keely and her angel friends terribly

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