Wednesday, June 24, 2009

missing you always, especially today

There are some days I just look for an excuse to say her name. There are days that I can feel my heart physically aching. There are days that tears are behind my eyes that never fall. There are days I try to picture in my mind what our table would look like with all 3 of our children eating lunch. There are days I am just so sad. Today is one of those days.

I am a positive thinking person. I know that I am very lucky. Most days, I smile and it's always genuine. I've had genuine smiles today but there is sadness too. Much sadness. I miss her. It's heartbreaking to think what this world has missed out on, what my family has missed out on. Bad things happen. Some days, lots of bad things happen. There are some days that so many little bad things pile up until you are buried in them and it's hard to see past the bad things.

So today, I will say her name and feel better, feel comforted. Keely. Such a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. How I wish I could see it scribbled on a kindergarten drawing someday, with a letter or two backwards.

"don't count the years, count the memories" anonymous

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Reading into words

I rarely get to say "all of my kids" or "the whole family". It's one of those things I never would've thought about before. How lucky to get to say all or entire. I listen closely to others as well: do they want a picture of all the grandkids? or all the girls get something... I am blessed in that they, too, are careful for the most part. My mom is very much aware of the definition of those words and their impact. I am so grateful for that. Wishing "we could all get together sometime" takes on new meaning as well. Those little things are so different now. Now and forever. I take great pleasure in the moments I get to say "all of my children", such as "all of my children's stockings hang on the steps at Christmas" or "I love all of my children". A simple and oh so important way to remember my girl.

I found the following article on helping a bereaved parent and I really like it. It's similar to the very popular "Bereaved Parents Wishlist" but adds a few things. I want to add that these lists aren't just for the newly bereaved, they still hold true years and years down the road...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

peace at her resting place

I went to Keely's grave this morning and the rain stopped pouring just as we arrived. I love the way the headstone looks when it's wet. It's an emerald colored granite and the colors really shine after the rain, which seems appropriate. Her garland got chopped a bit by the caretaker but not too badly. We'll replace it this weekend, when we're able to come back. I'll take a broken garland here and there if it means the grass is being cut and trimmed. We went through a hell of a fight trying to get the caretaker to actually take care of the place. The people caring for the whole place (600+ stones) are doing a phenomenal job and it brings me such peace to go to her resting place and find comfort, not having to worry about the weeds. It's amazing the difference it makes on a bereaved parent's psyche. Today was a particularly peaceful day. You never hear much when you're there, maybe the occasional train whistle but there are no people around, no bustle. I love that about it. Today, though, birds were singing in full chorus and it was a dark morning, still very damp from a hard rain that fell. I could've stayed there for hours but a few minutes of that peace would have to be enough; my living children were ready to move on after they blew Keely kisses and Boston told her about the latest Spongebob show he watched.

"there will be peace in the valley for me someday" hymn

Monday, June 8, 2009

a ramble on forgotten "friends"

More than two years have passed since we last held our little girl. Even after this time, my opinion of some people is still somewhat dictated by the way they did or did not react to her death. I lost much respect for a few friends, but moreso gained much respect and appreciation for others. I try very hard to concentrate on those I love dearly and those that were there for us when it's hard to be there, when you don't know what to say, when there isn't anything to say. But, once in awhile, our paths will cross again with one of the "others"; one of those people I would've expected to be there, to be a shoulder or to respect the life of my daughter but they shied away or, even worse, treated her life as if it were less than theirs. My opinion of those few are forever changed, forever marred by their lacking. They missed out on an amazing little soul. They missed out.

And now, I prepare for a meeting of such. How do I react? I don't want to perpetuate a bitter, grieving, angry person. I am grieving and will be until my own meeting at the end of earth's life but feel some kind of responsibility to teach those I encounter that while a parent grieves her child always, the lessons taught by the angels are worth more than anger. I'm not angry; I've said many times and feel daily that I was lucky to have her at all. I am lucky to have what I do now, VERY lucky. Some social responsibility has me feeling conflicted. There are few enough of these people I could probably avoid them for the good part of my years but there's a spiteful side of me that knows that seeing me will cause them to remember her and that's what I really want; her to be remembered. I want them to know they let me down, or my husband down, or most importantly, my Keely down.

Like most things in life, I will look for a balance. I must find a way to show grief in a new light for those so unlucky to have missed her light.

This has been even more rambling than usual but that's pretty much how I feel right now. ****big, deep sigh****

Friday, June 5, 2009

She went with us...

We took our living children to Walt Disney World a few weeks ago. I had always been so excited to think of taking my children there one day, several times even. While I'll never get to take ALL of my children the way I thought I would, they were all there with us. We faced a ton rain but that didn't stop us from having an amazing time, celebrating how lucky we are to have what we do. Boston was insistent that Keely was there already <3 We wanted to release a pink balloon in her honor but on the day we planned to do so, lots of wind kept the vendors from being out. Sam asked a couple of Disney employees where we might be able to purchase a balloon. One of the employees went into a storage area to get us a balloon, even asking what color we'd prefer. She asked who it was for and after my husband told her, she insisted it was on the house. After kisses from each of us and a silent prayer, we sent her balloon up above Cinderella's castle (or as Boston says, Mickey's castle). The other Disney employee saw the balloon go and ran over to ask if that was ours and if we let it go on purpose. I thought we were going to get scolded for letting it go but when Sam told him it was ours and we did it on purpose, he just smiled sweetly. I now think he was going to replace it if it wasn't on purpose. I can't say enough for the good spirits and genuine kindness of 99.9% of the people and especially employees at Disney. It is why I adore that place; there's nowhere else like it on earth. As her pink balloon sailed away, Boston called to it "bye balloon, give Keely a kiss for me!"

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

meant to be!

I got some wonderful news today that a very good (even best) friend of mine is expecting again. All of our kids are the same age; even our angels and I like to think of our little angels as being together and the best of friends. Watch over the new baby, angels.