We found out a week ago today that we're having another baby girl! Her name is Marnie Dylan, named for my beloved grandmother. Her daddy and I are thrilled, the boys are thrilled and we feel Keely beaming from Heaven.
Each time we've been pregnant, we hear from many people (mostly strangers) that they hope it's a girl for us. A cashier at Target told us in front of my sons to "Keep trying for a girl!" and my oldest son said "We have a sister, but she died." I feel pretty sure that cashier will never tell anyone that again
Finding out (through dna testing, so it's a sure thing!) that we're having another baby girl has brought up some emotions I'm not even sure I can put into words. I will try.
Yes, I have a daughter and I'm always the first to point that out to anybody, but it's different. I have 3 amazing living sons. I know boys. I know about raising boys. I'm so thrilled to be having a little girl, but it's scary too. I cried in the baby girl's section of a store I was in out of sheer excitement. For nearly 6 years, I've looked at that section as I walked past as a place of 'what might have been'. I've mentally picked out Easter and Christmas dresses that we never bought. I remember well when I realized Keely would've outgrown the baby section by now. Just this week, I realized I've never purchased girl clothes. I have never gotten my nieces any clothes. I didn't purposely steer clear but now, looking back, I think I did. The baby girl clothing section has been forbidden.
These feelings are a lot of how I remember my first rainbow pregnancy being: 100% terror and 100% pure joy and excitement. It's new and exciting. It's new and unknown.
I'm SO excited, but I'm also so nervous. I don't want to pin someone else's existence on my baby daughter before she's even born. I wonder how Keely would feel about having a little sister; how Marnie will feel about having a big sister she never got to know on earth and maybe end up being the only living girl (we aren't finished but probably just 1 or 2 more). I feel like I'm putting unnecessary pressure on myself and she isn't even born yet. I don't want to screw it up.
The irrational side of me makes me want to make sure Keely knows she isn't being replaced or forgotten. I KNOW that won't happen. She's better cared for in Heaven than I could provide and I think my boys have adjusted supremely well each time a baby has been added to our family. I don't want our little Marnie to feel like a replacement either. She's not. She's her own incredible little addition to this family, as is every one of our babies, special, perfect, fitting in their own ways. We are blessed beyond reason and I hope each of my babies, earthbound and Heavenbound, know how much my soul aches for them to be together but more importantly, how much my love for them can reach beyond the moon and back.
I knew a lot of my feelings just aren't ripe for words yet. They will come in time. And then I'll be back.