Thursday, December 31, 2009

ringing in

It goes without saying that we'll be celebrating yet another holiday without our family completely here; another holiday with our girl in Heaven. But it's also another Thursday without her, another midnight not waking up to her cry and another morning will break without her at home.

But, the toast will mean a little more, our hugs will be a little tighter and prayers a little longer because we have her.

Cheers. May 2010 bring unparalelled happiness to anyone who reads Keely's name today.

God bless.

Psalm 4:8

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

new life to training

As I posted about before, I'll be celebrating Keely's life by running in my town's inaugural full marathon on her 3rd birthday. I've run countless races before and many marathons. I've trained for thousands of miles, many of which were on the same trails. I've had good training days and bad. Days where I had to force myself out and days I couldn't wait to go. This round has been different. I haven't yet had a day I had to force myself to get motivated or put off a training run. I feel so driven and I think it has to do with running this for Keely and for all the MISSing babies. With their names on my shoulders, I want to do them all proud and train my hardest to do well in their honor. Six days a week, I run. 3 days a week, I cross train. 7 days a week, I pray.

"If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail."

Sunday, December 27, 2009

secret admirer strikes again

We visited Keely's grave Christmas Eve as soon as we got into town, before we even got to my parents' house. We lit our candle and shed some tears. While my heart is full always, even at the holidays, I miss my girl and wonder what mischief she'd be causing alongside her brothers. Christmas day, we went back to the cemetery; this time, to find a single sprig of lilies of the valley that had been tucked into the ground next to her stone. Upon arriving back at my parents house, we asked my family members if they'd stopped by to see Keely and left a gift. Nope, none of them. We assumed it was none of my in laws but asked anyway; no, none have ever been to see her headstone or visit her, nevermind on Christmas. So again, stranger, thank you. I think. I love that she has touched someone's heart and is visited when I can't be there but I do wonder who you are.

Possibly by chance the lilies of the valley were chosen, but there is significance in my own heart. Lilies of the valley have always been my favorite flower. I carried them in my wedding bouquet along with three hand blown glass lilies of the valley. They were tucked into the white roses on Keely's casket in the bouquet from Sam, Boston and I.

"For a Special Granddaughter; Every time we call out 'Merry Christmas', another angel smiles and hovers near. Merry Christmas to one of God's brightest and best blessings. Love, Nana & Poppy" ~Keely's card from my parents, her Nana and Poppy in her stocking at Christmas

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Merry Christmas in Heaven

We'll light a candle on Keely's grave Christmas Eve and stay until the flame dies. Her stocking will be hung with the stockings of her brothers. We'll wonder what might've been and miss her. Most of all, we'll give thanks that we had her at all.

For anyone missing a child or any loved one on Christmas, wishing you gentle days ahead and peace in the darkest moments.


"sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see" Polar Express

Monday, December 14, 2009


Sometimes, I just feel the need to say her name. There are days I search out signs and memories; I hope someone else will notice and say it first so I know they're thinking of her too. There are many days like this around Christmas. Every child should be with their parents and siblings Christmas morning, in jammies, waiting to see if Santa's been there. Be with us on Christmas, miss Keely Rae. We miss you.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

little red flowers

The last two times at the cemetery, someone has left a little red flower on Keely headstone <3 Thank you, stranger.

"And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." 1 Corinthians 13:13

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

visions of our sugar plum

Boston came to me this morning telling me that Marney (my grandmother, next to whom Keely is buried) took Keely to the movies to see Barbie and the Nutcracker. Where he would ever come up with such a story is beyond me <3 I'm glad he did though. 4 year old story or not, it brings me comfort and sounds like something my Marney would do.

Keely's Barbie

The first Christmas without Keely, what should've been her first Christmas, we got a Holiday Barbie for her. I collected them as a little girl and I couldn't bear to have an empty stocking for her every year so we put her Barbie in there. As I got out the decorations, I looked long and hard at the Holiday Barbie 2007. Keely would've been 2.5 this year. This is the first year she would've been able to play with her Barbie. But Barbie is still in the box and will stay there. Forever.
I know most bereaved families have a rough patch this time of year. It's supposed to be a time to be with your family and enjoy a kind of togetherness that we can never have. So close to perfect, but it can never be. I miss my girl. My boys miss their sister. My husband misses his girl. I love this time of year. I still do. I love it and it can never be the same.

"she'll be home for Christmas, if only in our dreams"