Friday, April 30, 2010

butterfly season

"A butterfly lights beside us
and for a brief moment its beauty and glory belong to this world.
But then it flies on again
and though we wish it would've stayed, we feel lucky to have seen it at all".

It's butterfly season and each flutter reminds me of my girl, so very missed, so very loved. Always remembered. XOXO

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

We survived

We survived April 11, 2010, 3 years.

Into another year without our girl, determined to pass on her legacy. We had a lovely balloon release with just a few of the closest family members present. We released balloons for other MISSed children as well. Before our balloons were sent into the sky on a beautiful sunny day, we wrote message of love to our Keely. I made her a butterfly cake that we all shared after the balloons were far gone.

Friday, April 9, 2010


As I begin the journey of the subsequent (after loss) pregnancy for the second time and the worry about my 4th child is a constant companion, it's had me thinking back to my time carrying Keely; the last time I could be a "it won't happen to me" pregnant girl.

This pregnancy, I'm afraid that I'm mistaking my fear and worry for intuition. Is my being scared a way to warn me about something or cushion a blow that has yet to be seen? Realistically, probably not. It is what it is: fear and worry when you know all too well what can go wrong so very quickly in pregnancy.

But it has me thinking back to when I was pregnant with Keely and my mom got me a frame for one of our ultrasounds. We had just come from a successful visit at the OB and had seen Keely fluttering around, so very full of life. The frame is lovely and to this day, it sits on our shelf housing that very same ultrasound photo from the day we picked it up. We didn't know the gender at the time so it's green and says "love you now and forever". Immediately upon reading the phrase, it read to me like it was for a baby that had died. I didn't say anything at the time because I did like it and didn't want to sound morbid or like I didn't like the gift. That was the moment I look back on and think "maybe I knew". Maybe on some level, I was being prepared for the fact that we'd end up with a grave for our child instead of our child. Maybe something inside me knew.

But, maybe everybody has a random moment like that and nobody remembers them except the bereaved mothers, the ones who go back over every second of pregnancy wondering about sliding doors. What if?

I prodded friends and family recently to make sure I was a paranoid during my pregnancy with my first rainbow baby. They assured me I was a nut :)

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." Maya Angelou

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

the purpose of life

A topic that has been pondered by every generation since the beginning of time and every conclusion has been drawn from people being the center of the universe to our existence being inconsequential. Regardless, it's still a question that is pondered daily.

I would never be so bold as to suggest I know the meaning of life aside from knowing that our true purpose is to live a life that guides us into the gates of Heaven upon our death.

But as the mother of a child who is (Lord willing) paving my way there, I believe that beyond the one true purpose, each life has a million little, everyday purposes. Furthermore, our purpose doesn't cease to exist when our soul finds its way Home. A legacy lives on in our name, a purpose of guidance to those left behind.

This may very well be coming out as a rambling mess, but I trust I'll feel better just getting it out there. Keely's life was so very short. Too short. But we've always known that her purpose far surpassed her years. Not only does her purpose surpass her years, but it goes beyond herself or even her siblings and parents. Many people love her. Many people are moved by her existence. Many people want to see her again. Many people are trying to be better people to be able to see her again. And it's not just Keely. Every soul who passes through this world, however quickly, has a purpose and while I can't pretend to understand, my faith lies in the fact that each path I cross is intertwined with my own and even without conscious, we are part of each other's lives. A very short life has done a whole lot of good. Good beyond measure.

"like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand" Bob Dylan

Friday, April 2, 2010

3 years ago today

At 11:20 am, 3 years ago today, our sweet Keely slipped into Heaven. She changed our lives in the blink of an eye and we miss her every second of everyday. So very, very missed but even more loved.

"rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine"