Saturday, January 30, 2010

easter and taxes

The yearly sting of taxes has already hit our house. Dependents: 2. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I don't want the money, I want her included. **sigh** It's the little things, isn't it?

Despite the surprise 7 inches of snow on the ground outside, the stores are filling up with bunnies and eggs and reminders that eventually spring will arrive and with it, Easter. Easter makes me think of Keely. Now it could be because she died the week before Easter and we chose to wait to deliver until the next week, so she had passed away but I still carried her when we had Easter that year. But I suspect it would remind me of her anyway. Easter seems like a girly holiday to me. My memories of Easter as a little girl are of frilly dresses, white gloves and hats. I think Easter was the only time in childhood I wore a hat. It's hard to find good boy Easter clothes and I've never had a problem with that at Christmas or any other time, but Easter I only seem to find dresses that I like.

Tax day and Easter are both months away but anyway...

Friday, January 22, 2010

another day, another flower

I visited my girl this morning to find another little white flower stuck into the ground next to her headstone. My girl has a secret admirer <3>

I needed that today. You always hear that there are "some good days and some bad days" and that rings true nearly 3 years down the road and well,....forever. I've had some bad days. Days where it still seems surreal. Days I want to cry for no new reason. Days I do cry for no new reason. Days that the wonder consumes my thoughts.

Keely's big brother wanted to show me the alphabet he made. They put a word next to each letter to represent it. There it was: B for Boston, C for Callum, K for Keely.

One of the strange things I've always lamented in her passing was never getting to read her name scribbled sloppily on a kindergarten paper. Well now I can't say that. It wasn't her writing but it was so, so special. I cannot wait to get that paper home and cherish it, with all of his other works. I don't even think he realizes what a special boy he is. But I do.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Valentine's Day decorations

Boston helped me decorate Keely's grave this morning for Valentine's Day. I had planned to take down the red garland and leave up the purple but B liked them both so they stayed. We did take up her stocking and the golden leaves from around her butterfly. The butterfly stayed and so did her pinwheel. We added two pink heart shaped tea light holders with candles in them. We'll light them on the day.


"What the heart once loved can never truly be lost" I can't remember where I heard that, but I like it.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Quotes on grief; yours

If anybody's reading this, what quote or verse or passage do you find comfort in? In times of grief is there a song verse, Bible verse or poem that you look to? Whether you're a bereaved parent, you've buried a grandparent or a pet, what helps you grieve?

I have many, many, many that I love. I can remember reading 23rd Psalms several hundred times as I was in labor with Keely. Lines in many songs ring close to my heart: Dashboard Confessional's line "my heart is sturdy but it needs you to survive" is one.

A verse close to, if not at, the top of my list is Psalm 4:8.

Boston had a dream about Keely

He awoke and told me a bit about his dream before telling me that he wanted to go back to sleep so he could see her again.


I'm feeling like a lacking mother lately. The ice and snow have kept me away from my little girl's grave. Never a minute from my heart or thoughts but I miss that peaceful place she's laid to rest. Lord willing, I'll be heading there Friday to check on things and put out her Valentine's Day decorations that her brothers lovingly picked out.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

quotes I love

This is a quote we used in the paper for Keely's angelversary and it's part of a little shadow box of her belongings. It's been one of my favorite quotes since I was sitting in the hospital in labor with her.

"Our joys will be greater
Our love will be deeper
Our lives will be fuller
Because we shared your moment"

No words have ever been more true <3

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


This word has been coming up a lot lately. Escape. People wanting to escape the cold. People wanting to escape their pain. People wanting to escape from the holiday obligations.

Admittedly, I read far too much into things. I read between the lines and, at the same time, manage to read each word quite literally. Lately, I've found myself looking up actual definitions of words so I could dissect meaning or intent.

the definition of escape:

1. to break loose from confinement

2. to issue from an enclosure

3. to avoid a serious or unwanted outcome

It seems to me that escape is a temporary thing. It's putting off the inevitable. Is it possible to escape the cold? Yes, so long as you can afford a plane ticket or vacation home. Is it possible to escape holiday obligations? Maybe, so long as you have a good enough excuse. But, the cold returns or you return to it. The holidays roll around next year and eventually, someone will be onto you. Is it possible to escape pain or bereavement? I don't think so. You can stifle it temporarily or you can have a good moment, a genuine and good moment but the grief is still there, waiting. Sounds ominous, right? Well, I don't see it as a bad thing. I think that's hard, nearly impossible, for the non-bereaved to understand. Pain is a part of grief and grief is a constant reminder of my child. Yes it's a constant reminder that she's not here with us, but a reminder of her is good. A reason to say her name is good.

"Life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone" Jack Kerouac

Monday, January 4, 2010

first post of a new year

We've made it into 2010. This year, we'll celebrate 5th, 3rd and 2nd birthdays and, Lord willing, a new birthday at the end of the year or beginning of next. What the year coming has in store for us is up for guessing. I've fully accepted the fact I have very little control in that; not an easy pill to swallow for a self proclaimed control freak! Hopefully a sold sign in front of our house, some beautiful celebrations, some miracles realized and some tears, both happy and sad. I can look ahead in hope, knowing that we have a little angel watching over us and with faith, we walk.