Sunday, October 25, 2009

a few things...

My posts are more sporatic as I fet farther into this journey, I feel less entitled to my feelings. Silly, right? It is what it is. I guess I'm feeling entitled again today because I want to get a few things out there.

October 15th came this year and rocked my heart a little more than it had in previous years. I wanted desperately to be a part of a walk but none in my area. Thankfully, there is a group near where we'll be moving to so I'm hoping to join them in the years to come; on October 15th and for get togethers now and then. We lit our candles for the wave of light. I couldn't even begin to count how many individual ones we might need; couldn't begin to count how many loving, grieving families that have touched our own hearts and shared tears with. So I just lit them all; every candle I could find in the house and let them burn at 7 pm. I cried often that night and can't even really voice why aside from the obvious. I guess just knowing how many people all over the world were grieving with me was both heartbreaking and cathartic; that so many children are missed and yet we aren't ever alone in that grief.

The grass has been cut at the cemetery one last time this year. It's beautiful there. It's peaceful and serene and everything I've been hoping it would be in the years it wasn't properly cared for.

"Do you hear me?
i'm talking to you
Across the water
Across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky
Oh my, baby I'm trying " Jason Mraz "lucky"

Thursday, October 1, 2009

a little glimpse

Every once in awhile, I see a glimpse of what might've been. In my mind's eye, I can age that precious little face that didn't even get to see 40 weeks, aging her to who would now be a bouncy, bubbly 2.5 year old.

There's a Rice Crispies commercial that stopped me in my tracks. 2.5 year old girl with white-blonde hair and eyelashes to Texas. It's like a little peek and I'm so thankful for them. I find much peace in them.


"Now sleep, child of mine, while the stars shine above. I love you as much as a mother can love." I love you as much book, read in our home nightly