one more look back

written August 3rd 2007

There’s this girl in the pictures from last year, even earlier this year. I feel so sorry for her. She’s naïve. She wears these innocent smiles because she doesn’t know what’s about to happen to her, she doesn’t know her life is about to change forever. She isn’t considering that her pregnancy might result in a grave instead of a baby. She doesn’t think she’ll ever have a daughter and she can’t fathom burying one. She was planning a nursery, not a funeral. That poor girl was me in another life. 4 months and 2 days ago, when life was still perfect; when both of my children were still alive. I’m in mourning for that girl as well as my daughter. She was fun. People wanted to be around her. She could find optimism in everything. She wasn’t the girl that would cry for no reason. She wasn’t a bitter, angry person. She wasn’t so sad. She wasn’t afraid of holding her nieces because it would upset her. She could listen to music without it taking on a whole new meaning, a sad meaning. She wasn’t the one that people were awkward around. She wasn’t the one people were hesitant to have around. She was the one that comforted others, not the one who had trouble comforting herself even. She wasn’t the one who didn’t even want to make a trip to the grocery store because she should be going with two children.

I don’t know what the future holds for that girl, the girl I am now. There are a few things I can take comfort in:That girl will carry on the memory of her daughter and make sure no one forgets.That girl never has to regret loving her children with all of her heart and soul because she does and always will, she has since the moment of conception.That girl has a daughter and will always have a daughter. That girl reads the bible daily. That girl has a mission to get back to her daughter.That girl saw an amazing outpouring of grief for this beautiful little soul, who’s feet may not have touched the earth, but her presence touched many on earth. That girl was given an amazing gift, even if she didn’t get to keep it.