Two years ago today, I didn't feel right

I called my OB and told her that Keely wasn't moving as much. They brought me in and did an ultrasound. I was told she was perfect and I saw her beautiful beating heart and she danced around onscreen. It was the last time I would see her active and lively. Though I would see that heart beat one more time, it would be much slower and I would watch it stop.

To this day, I don't know what was wrong that day, if anything. I will always wonder.

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death." Robert Fulghum

Tulips!

My sister and brother in law went overseas and brought us back bulbs. I am the anti-gardener. Try as I might, we barely have live grass in our yard. I thought I'd give it a shot anyway. Knowing we're going to move soon, we didn't want any more sentimental baggage to say goodbye to when the time comes so we decided to have a makeshift garden in a big pot outside the back door. It holds a stone from her funeral with a beautiful verse on it and used to house a flowering tree (I said I tried). Last fall, I planted the tulips with the hope they were right side up. Last week, we saw the most beautiful dark pink blooms break through.

my poem for Keely

I wrote this poem months after she died.

Keely Rae
I miss the piano player fingers and ballerina feet
Of the perfect little girl we waited so long to meet.
Big brother says he loves you and he wants to play
With his little sister in Heaven he hopes to meet one day.
She had her daddy’s chin and her auntie’s big blue eyes,
We can all feel you visit us, but now it’s in disguise.
Black and golden butterflies, the wind gust through my hair,
My little girl in Heaven, with Jesus I will share.
So many things we’ll miss and things we’d wished to see.
We’ll mourn our loss everyday; too many broken dreams.
But our angel watches over us, I can almost see her face.
We’ll meet again, some sweet day, at Heaven’s perfect gates.
We know you’re happy, Keely Rae, and that we shouldn’t cry,
for there’s no need to dance when you have wings and you can fly.

~mama, 2007

it's pointless to wonder, but...

I do. Everyday, I think how old Keely would be, what she might look like, what she might act like. I think of the milestones that she would be hitting. I think of the kind of clothes she might be wearing. Would she let me fix her hair? Would her hair be long enough for me to fix? I know it's pointless to wonder. I know these questions will forever be unanswered. And still, my mind wonders, my heart wonders. I wonder how she would interact with her brothers. Would she care kindly for her younger brother or play wildly with her older brother or both? Would her hair have stayed blonde? I think so. Would she be big like her brothers or more delicate? A tomboy or a princess? Maybe a little of both. She would be coming up to her second birthday; we are coming up to her second birthday.

My mind knows better than to ask these questions but I still wonder. I think I'll always wonder. As my boys grow and graduate high school and college, get married, have children of their own, I will count my blessings for they are many. I know how lucky I am to have my living children and to have had my angel here for a time. It's up to us now to grow her memory, just as we raise our other children.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
Kahlil Gibran

spring decorations

Last weekend, we changed out Keely's decorations; new windchimes, new garland, new flowers and a ceramic bunny chosen with love.

her invitation...

her best friend, I'd suppose

Yesterday, March 14th, was a special day for a little boy very dear to our hearts. It was his 2nd birthday. I tend to believe he and Keely are best buddies. I know they're there together in Heaven, celebrating and rejoicing in ways we can't begin to imagine. One of the lights on this journey, specific to this journey, has been meeting his mama; someone I know I can count on, come to, cry with. We met through the most devastating of circumstances and bonded over some of the scariest times while carrying our rainbow babies. We've celebrated their lives and mourned their deaths. Yesterday, we lit our candle, said a prayer and honored sweet Jason. Everyday, we remember and MISS and love him and our sweet Keely. Much, much love. XOXO

"I hear the ancient footsteps like the motion of the sea,
Sometimes I turn, there's someone there, other times its only me
I am hanging in the balance of a finished perfect plan
like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand." Bob Dylan

a little appreciation

There are a few of you I know read this blog regularly and I want to truly, honestly thank you. I cannot tell you what it means to me to know that others think of Keely, read her name, know her story. From the moment she died, I felt like one of my missions on earth is to see that she's remembered and not only by Sam and myself but by others. She did have a life. She was very much a person and she is very much loved and missed by her family by the day, by the moment. I have 3 children. Three so far. They are our sunlight and fill our hearts with joy; all of them, living and passed on. I kept a journal in the months after Keely's passing at the suggestion of my bereavement counselor but it never really seemed to help. It has been so therapeutic for me to know that she is not and will not be forgotten. This blog helps me know that and helps my preserve memories of her and our journey of grief and remembering that I might otherwise forget or get hazy at the least. I can preserve these memories for her brothers so they will know their sister in a (little) more traditional sense. Our oldest already amazes me at how much he understands and our littlest probably knows more than we will ever fathom. My hope is that they grow up to be more compassionate as a result of not getting to know Keely the way we would've hoped.

Keely's passing has offered me some of the best friends I have, through the MISS Foundation and my bereavement group; I know we never have to walk this journey alone and I get to know some of the little angels I know Keely's celebrating with in Heaven.

So, thank you. Thank you for reading, remembering and knowing my girl. I love you all!

the flowers

We shopped last night for new flowers for Keely's grave. Nearly 2 years down this road and it does still feel like a movie at times. I said to Sam as we browsed for flowers that our oldest son was extremely specific about "not too floppy" and "very pink for our girl" and "just right floppy" that I wondered if it would ever get easy to shop for flowers for the cemetary. I've done it countless times, go to the cemetary daily and yet, every time, it seems more "real". He said he was just going to say that he's finally at the point that he doesn't dread the flower store. It's nice now, that big brother is big enough to express an interest in what goes on her grave. One of the few things we get to actively do for our girl. I enjoy decorating her grave. There's something about the shopping for it, though. I can't quite verbalize it. I like to do something a little different every time we change them out. This time, Sam found a cute tin watering can and we chose several shades of pink flowers to pour out of them. We also got a new garland for around the base of the headstone; the one that's there is too wintry now and a garland for my great grandma Marney, buried next to my girl. I was very excited about her new windchimes; they're perfect. Sam and Boston continued their tradition of choosing a ceramic bunny for Eastertime for her grave. I'll post photos when it gets a little closer.

I haven't been able to bring myself to throw out anything that's been with her at the cemetary. It's all in its own spot in the garage. I thought maybe I'd just save the "special" things but it's all special to me. It's all shared time at her resting place. It's all been laid out to memorialze her. Maybe someday I'll feel differently or we'll run out of garage space but for now, it will collect.

party is planned

The invitations to Keely's 2nd birthday celebration are all ready to go. I'll post after they're out so the surprise isn't ruined :) We found a lovely poem to put on it, along with her name in the sand (thank you, again, Carly!).

I haven't decided between a cake or cupcakes but we'll make them like last year. Big brother really enjoyed that last year and now, little brother can help too.

We sent out cards for everyone to fill out with a quote, poem or message to attach to their balloon for release but before we send them to Heaven, we'll photograph each one for her memory album. And so it begins, with the "this time last year, this time 2 years ago..."

Esphesians 1:16
I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.