Sunday, March 25, 2012

blame from others...

When Keely died, I naturally went through every last second I carried her and asked myself if I'd done anything wrong. I asked my doctor if I'd done anything wrong. I questioned if I had done something differently, might she still be alive? I fabricated many moments where I'd made a different decision and fabricated a different outcome for her. Doctors assured me I did everything 'right'. My husband assured me nothing could have been done differently.

For the sake of my living children, I tried to assure myself. Deep down, I *know* I didn't do anything to contribute to her death. But those questions are a normal part of grieving, I believe.

Now, for all the self-doubt I had, especially in the early days, I was and am still unprepared for the judgement by others.

Just months after Keely's birth and death, I met with a woman I'd played soccer with in high school for a photoshoot. She told me about a girl she knew that had done drugs and asked me if I had done anything like that. Totally shaken that that thought could even run through someone's mind about me, I told her the sad percentage that MOST stillbirths are caused by unknown reasons. Even when everything seems 'right', something is wrong through no fault.

I've heard many ignorant comments from people in the time since losing Keely. I feel certain the thoughts that people don't say to me are far worse. I've come to realize that it isn't about me at all. It's about them. It's about them wanting to find a way to separate themselves from something so horrifying as losing a child. People don't want to hear that it could happen to them. People want to hear it was something you did, something they don't do so it could be an impossibility.

The sad, horrifying truth is that is could happen to you. It could happen to me again. It could happen to anyone.

But, I don't blame people for trying to convince themselves otherwise. I still try to do the same thing. It's just harder now.

1 comment:

  1. Aly, Whether your beloved child died as a consequence of stillbirth or whether he or she passed later, there will always be people who ask unkind or uncomfortable questions. Many of them don't mean to be as rude as they are, in fact, being. There is simply a knowledge deficit on the part of many people. I remember a particular woman who told me that if I had practiced a gluten free diet that my son would not have died suddenly. In point of fact, none of my children are gluten intolerant ! There is also a psychologic need that many people have to believe that "if you do everything right, then everything will always be alright". This of course, is not the world God promised us while here on Earth. We try to do the best we can, to stack the deck in our favor and particularly in the favor of our beloved children, but sometimes, the unforeseen simply occurs. I am sorry that you have sensed the judgement of others who have not walked our path. Sometimes really sad and life changing losses, just happen.