It's kind of funny. I prepare for certain dates: the angel day, the birthday, holidays. I prepare for certain events: births, funerals, even certain movies. I prepare my heart and my mind to know I'm going to be sad and to handle it the best way I know how and I think I do alright most of the time. Then, there are days of sadness that just creep up, for no known reason and my heart aches. Today is one of those days. I've felt it coming but aren't sure quite why. This morning, I felt compelled to go back to the days Keely died and look at my posts from a parenting board I'm on. I can't even bring myself to read them all at once but I keep going back. It's like watching a movie or reading a book. This couldn't be my life. Any second now, I'll wake up and all three of my children will be here, in my arms... Right?
From my journal the day after we watched her heartbeat stop:
"I've cried and prayed more than I ever have in my life. You'd think the tears would dry up; that I wouldn't have any more, but they are still flowing freely with no stopping in sight." 04/03/07