numbers, numbers

It's funny how a little thing like a number, just one off, can ruin a day. Like, when someone is telling another how many children you have and they "forget" one. Three. I have THREE children. Which one did you forget when you said I had two? Do I need to ask? Do I need to correct you? I don't need to ask but I do need to correct you. Just because you've forgotten doesn't mean I have, or want to, or will. Never. Never will I let anyone else. Just because you misspoke doesn't mean you've forgotten but that's certainly the way it sounds and it's certainly the way my heart heard it. I think I'll "forget" one of your children next time I speak of them.

And on a somewhat lighter note, a song that makes me think of my girl:

"Love why’d you go so fast
pain why ya gotta last...
you knowI cant stop waking up to you
though you are gone I cannot face the truth honey
I cant stop waking up to you on my mind...
Love where'd you go so fast
pain, why you gotta last
those blue eyes, why cant I see them now..." The Midway State

her new decorations

Newish anyway. Early this month, we found a beautiful butterfly to put at Keely's grave. We took down the butterfly shepherd's hook that's been there since the beginning. Two years now. It was starting to look worn and when we saw this butterfly, it felt perfect for her. We put a new garland that the boys picked out for her and moved her pink sparkly butterfly from Nanny and Poppy to the garland. It's nice and summery. We had to take the windchimes down because there's nowhere to hang it but since it hadn't been there long, we'll put it back in the fall.

moving me

Our home is on the market. Keely's home is on the market. It's been a decision we made a long time ago and the time is now to do it. It was a decision we made long before losing our little girl. We left Chicago knowing we'd eventually be in or near my hometown (where Keely's buried). Our home has been on the market for nearly a year now, with no offers in sight (just the way of the market now, I think; fine by me). So we've had some time to reflect on what leaving means to us. Though we've outgrown this house, I wouldn't be ready to leave if we were staying in the area. I'm too attached. We have too many memories. Lord willing, we'll make millions of new memories with our sweet living children in our new house but we can't with Keely. She lived here. She moved here. Her heartbeat here. This is where we came after her heart stopped. This is where countless tears dropped. This is where we sat up for hours on end wondering why; wondering how. This is where we planned her funeral.

Along with moving, we'll be leaving behind the hospital and doctor that saw my care through all three of my children's births. I've become very attached to all of the staff, the places. I know them there. They know me there. They know Keely; call her by name. How can I walk away from that? A little part of me hopes we'll be here long enough for just one more baby to be born under our dr's care, at that hospital I'm so comfortable at.

And so I'm moved at the thought of moving. We'll have opportunities, new memories but the thought of driving past this home and having it not be mine is just too much to think of right now. We'll have to make new memories of our girl at the new home too. We'll have a garden just for her. Her painting will hang on its walls. We'll say her name and tell her story among its walls. We'll shed more tears for her there. But this will be where we first said goodbye. This home will always be special.

"home is where the heart is"

feeling so sad today

It's kind of funny. I prepare for certain dates: the angel day, the birthday, holidays. I prepare for certain events: births, funerals, even certain movies. I prepare my heart and my mind to know I'm going to be sad and to handle it the best way I know how and I think I do alright most of the time. Then, there are days of sadness that just creep up, for no known reason and my heart aches. Today is one of those days. I've felt it coming but aren't sure quite why. This morning, I felt compelled to go back to the days Keely died and look at my posts from a parenting board I'm on. I can't even bring myself to read them all at once but I keep going back. It's like watching a movie or reading a book. This couldn't be my life. Any second now, I'll wake up and all three of my children will be here, in my arms... Right?

From my journal the day after we watched her heartbeat stop:
"I've cried and prayed more than I ever have in my life. You'd think the tears would dry up; that I wouldn't have any more, but they are still flowing freely with no stopping in sight." 04/03/07

12 years today

My cousin is celebrating the 12th birthday of her daughter today. She would've been 12 years old. She was born still and I can remember hearing of her birth so well, though I was only 15 years old and many years from both motherhood and bereavement. Maybe it was some kind of unseen preparation. Emily is with my Keely, celebrating in Heaven and today we will celebrate her life too; though short, so very important.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4

Smile...

I have many wonderful childhood memories that involve Michael Jackson and his music: rollerskating to it, Barbies dancing, my own breakdancing attempts.

One memory as an adult keeps ringing through my head in these days since his passing. When Keely died, our oldest son was just 21 months old. I have a vivid memory of rocking him to sleep with tears in my eyes and singing "Smile". It was a song made famous by Charlie Chaplin but made famous to me by Michael Jackson's HIStory album. There is a rumor that MJ's brother Jermaine will be singing this song at the memorial service today. It's a beautiful song with beautiful sentiment...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying[
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

vandalism or art

In order to keep up with the ever changing trends of photography, I follow a few different photography boards. In doing so, one photographer had posted a session titled "death of a marriage" and the session was a woman in her bridal gown, obviously distraught from the collapse of her union. Her face tear streaked, expression dark and the first image was her sitting on the gravestone of someone's whose last name happened to be "Payne". I get it. What I didn't get was what gave them the right to use this person's final resting place as a prop for their photo shoot. I bit my tongue because sometimes I don't have the energy to get into a discussion like this; where my stand would most likely be lost. It's not just some old building or abandoned home. It is where someone chose to lay their loved one, where they can come to mourn or to celebrate their life. I would be livid if someone sat on Keely's monument, nevermind if they were using it as a prop. Maybe I'm naive but I highly, highly doubt I would've ever done such a thing. I am an artist and I get that often artists break down common practice to make a point but I would never do so by blantant disrespect that I think this is showing. Maybe not vandalism but certainly disrespect.