Today is the day, 2 years ago, that we held our sweet girl in our arms. The first and last time.
Two years ago right now, I was in labor. A quiet, solemn and painful labor, but not because of the contractions. At 8:55 pm, our sweet girl was born to earth, already in Heaven. How I long to hold her again. And I will, someday.
Today, we will send balloons to Heaven from your monument here on earth. We will miss you, love you, celebrate you baby. You are our girl.
A link to her birth story:
http://mourningslight.blogspot.com/2009/01/her-birth-story-into-heaven-into-our.html
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away" Anonymous
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Survival
Well, we survived the 2nd angel day. We survived, but not without a good, long cry; maybe a few. It's popular belief that the days leading up to the actual date are worse and that's proven true for me in the past (I feel like I've been doing this 20 years). I think that's why I was caught off guard when, this year, the actual date was much worse than anticipated. It's not just a sad feeling or thinking back to that day, both of which I had/did and both of which suck, to put it not so eloquently. It's an actual, physical pain. Grief is very much physical and exhausting. My stomach hurt, my arms ached, my head pounded. All day, I just wanted the date overwith but when I looked at the clock that evening at 10:45 pm, I panicked. I suddenly realized her day was almost over. Her day; one of the few days a year that I feel like I can truly show my emotions and how much it hurts to miss her and it was almost over.
The day itself was beautiful. Depsite a forecast of rain, it was 69 degrees and sunny while we took fresh flowers out to the cemetary. A dozen fresh, white roses, 4 pink mini callalilies (one from each of us) and my mom took a dozen pink tulips. As we laid them on her grave, the first butterflies of the season came fluttering by. Last year, the first butterflies we saw of the year came by to visit on her angel day. Maybe I read too much into "signs" but that's a pretty good one. I'll take it. That evening, as we returned home from the cemetary, the storm clouds rolled in and it poured rain. I found that all too appropriate. I love this house in the rain. We left the windows open and felt the wind. We spent some time going through her memory trunk and talking about those days, the little things we remember.
We were overcome with remembrances of our little girl. I was greeted on facebook with 25 messages remembering Keely and her day. It's unbelievable how much that helps, how much that means to me. We received some beautiful cards in the mail (I'll post photos soon). We have a lovely day planned for her birthday celebration. While these days are sad because they are the dates we lost her, they are her days and can't be all sad. Her life had much meaning and her lessons are still being learned. We are so lucky to have had her. We are so lucky to have our boys with us. We are so lucky.
A huge, immense thank you to everyone who remembered our girl, through a card, a prayer, an email or a thought. The love was very much felt and very much appreciated.
XOXO
"Loved with a love beyond telling,Missed with a grief beyond all tears."
The day itself was beautiful. Depsite a forecast of rain, it was 69 degrees and sunny while we took fresh flowers out to the cemetary. A dozen fresh, white roses, 4 pink mini callalilies (one from each of us) and my mom took a dozen pink tulips. As we laid them on her grave, the first butterflies of the season came fluttering by. Last year, the first butterflies we saw of the year came by to visit on her angel day. Maybe I read too much into "signs" but that's a pretty good one. I'll take it. That evening, as we returned home from the cemetary, the storm clouds rolled in and it poured rain. I found that all too appropriate. I love this house in the rain. We left the windows open and felt the wind. We spent some time going through her memory trunk and talking about those days, the little things we remember.
We were overcome with remembrances of our little girl. I was greeted on facebook with 25 messages remembering Keely and her day. It's unbelievable how much that helps, how much that means to me. We received some beautiful cards in the mail (I'll post photos soon). We have a lovely day planned for her birthday celebration. While these days are sad because they are the dates we lost her, they are her days and can't be all sad. Her life had much meaning and her lessons are still being learned. We are so lucky to have had her. We are so lucky to have our boys with us. We are so lucky.
A huge, immense thank you to everyone who remembered our girl, through a card, a prayer, an email or a thought. The love was very much felt and very much appreciated.
XOXO
"Loved with a love beyond telling,Missed with a grief beyond all tears."
Thursday, April 2, 2009
2 years ago today
It's been two years ago today at 11:20 am that our sweet Keely Rae grew her wings. I will remember every moment of this day, every smell, every sound. In one split second, everything changed. One second that I will relive until my own second comes. My heart hurts, my arms ache.
People like to tell you things to make you feel better. I probably did the same thing to my friends who lost their children before I joined the club. Even with the best of intentions, there is nothing that can ease the sorrow aside from just allowing grief to happen and letting the bereaved know that you're there for them and sorry. One popular thing I've heard is that time will ease the pain. That's just not true. I told myself it would be true for a long time. While day to day life becomes more bearable, it isn't the pain easing, it's our handling of it that gets better. We get better at masking the tears in the card section at Target or better at not glancing at the pink layettes in the mall. We get better at holding back our tears but the heart hasn't mended and it won't.
Today is her day and my heart is broken. Right now, 2 years ago, I was a completely and totally different person. Two years ago right now, her heart was strong.
Mama misses and LOVES you, Keely Rae. You are my heart, my moon and stars. Watch over us. Your brothers and daddy miss and love you. We'll see you soon, baby girl; in the blink of Heaven's eye <3
People like to tell you things to make you feel better. I probably did the same thing to my friends who lost their children before I joined the club. Even with the best of intentions, there is nothing that can ease the sorrow aside from just allowing grief to happen and letting the bereaved know that you're there for them and sorry. One popular thing I've heard is that time will ease the pain. That's just not true. I told myself it would be true for a long time. While day to day life becomes more bearable, it isn't the pain easing, it's our handling of it that gets better. We get better at masking the tears in the card section at Target or better at not glancing at the pink layettes in the mall. We get better at holding back our tears but the heart hasn't mended and it won't.
Today is her day and my heart is broken. Right now, 2 years ago, I was a completely and totally different person. Two years ago right now, her heart was strong.
Mama misses and LOVES you, Keely Rae. You are my heart, my moon and stars. Watch over us. Your brothers and daddy miss and love you. We'll see you soon, baby girl; in the blink of Heaven's eye <3
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
the clock keeps ticking...
...and with each tick, the pit in my stomach grows, my heart aches a little more. One second closer to another year gone. One step farther out from having held our little girl in our arms. One more moment since her heart made a final beat. How did 2 years pass? It's a bitter pill to swallow to know that every year, for the entire rest of my life, April 2 will freeze time. I will be a little old lady, Lord willing, making my way to the cemetary to visit my girl just as I did this morning. We brought her some fresh pink azaleas from the bush out front; they still had dew on them. The sun was bright on her spot today but I can feel my heart sinking with each passing moment. Each minute until 11:20 am tomorrow will be a "last" from 2 years ago.
I had someone say to me this week, "that must've been a hard day". And a hard day it was, but the ones after that were worse and now, two years out, there are still hard days. The hardest ones are the ones that I allow a little acceptance of our reality in. This is it. For all I have and all I'm blessed with, she's missing. A vital, needed member of our family is missing. These are her days, the days to remember. The boys will help me remember and I will teach them. I'm sure they know far more than I could begin to fathom. I will always have my memories and they'll take from their sister more than a flashback from a certain smell but an engrained knowledge from a very young age and for our rainbow boy, even from birth. What a gift my children have given each other; the boys will give her a legacy and she will give them knowledge distinct to that of a bereaved family. May each of them wear it well.
Behind every smile, there are tears and behind every tear, there are smiles.
I had someone say to me this week, "that must've been a hard day". And a hard day it was, but the ones after that were worse and now, two years out, there are still hard days. The hardest ones are the ones that I allow a little acceptance of our reality in. This is it. For all I have and all I'm blessed with, she's missing. A vital, needed member of our family is missing. These are her days, the days to remember. The boys will help me remember and I will teach them. I'm sure they know far more than I could begin to fathom. I will always have my memories and they'll take from their sister more than a flashback from a certain smell but an engrained knowledge from a very young age and for our rainbow boy, even from birth. What a gift my children have given each other; the boys will give her a legacy and she will give them knowledge distinct to that of a bereaved family. May each of them wear it well.
Behind every smile, there are tears and behind every tear, there are smiles.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Two years ago today, I didn't feel right
I called my OB and told her that Keely wasn't moving as much. They brought me in and did an ultrasound. I was told she was perfect and I saw her beautiful beating heart and she danced around onscreen. It was the last time I would see her active and lively. Though I would see that heart beat one more time, it would be much slower and I would watch it stop.
To this day, I don't know what was wrong that day, if anything. I will always wonder.
"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death." Robert Fulghum
To this day, I don't know what was wrong that day, if anything. I will always wonder.
"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death." Robert Fulghum
Tulips!
My sister and brother in law went overseas and brought us back bulbs. I am the anti-gardener. Try as I might, we barely have live grass in our yard. I thought I'd give it a shot anyway. Knowing we're going to move soon, we didn't want any more sentimental baggage to say goodbye to when the time comes so we decided to have a makeshift garden in a big pot outside the back door. It holds a stone from her funeral with a beautiful verse on it and used to house a flowering tree (I said I tried). Last fall, I planted the tulips with the hope they were right side up. Last week, we saw the most beautiful dark pink blooms break through.
.jpg)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
my poem for Keely
I wrote this poem months after she died.
Keely Rae
I miss the piano player fingers and ballerina feet
Of the perfect little girl we waited so long to meet.
Big brother says he loves you and he wants to play
With his little sister in Heaven he hopes to meet one day.
She had her daddy’s chin and her auntie’s big blue eyes,
We can all feel you visit us, but now it’s in disguise.
Black and golden butterflies, the wind gust through my hair,
My little girl in Heaven, with Jesus I will share.
So many things we’ll miss and things we’d wished to see.
We’ll mourn our loss everyday; too many broken dreams.
But our angel watches over us, I can almost see her face.
We’ll meet again, some sweet day, at Heaven’s perfect gates.
We know you’re happy, Keely Rae, and that we shouldn’t cry,
for there’s no need to dance when you have wings and you can fly.
~mama, 2007
Keely Rae
I miss the piano player fingers and ballerina feet
Of the perfect little girl we waited so long to meet.
Big brother says he loves you and he wants to play
With his little sister in Heaven he hopes to meet one day.
She had her daddy’s chin and her auntie’s big blue eyes,
We can all feel you visit us, but now it’s in disguise.
Black and golden butterflies, the wind gust through my hair,
My little girl in Heaven, with Jesus I will share.
So many things we’ll miss and things we’d wished to see.
We’ll mourn our loss everyday; too many broken dreams.
But our angel watches over us, I can almost see her face.
We’ll meet again, some sweet day, at Heaven’s perfect gates.
We know you’re happy, Keely Rae, and that we shouldn’t cry,
for there’s no need to dance when you have wings and you can fly.
~mama, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
