what happened...

So often we are asked for an explanation of what exactly happened to our sweet little Keely. If only we knew...

Upon our pregnancy with our sweet little rainbow, Callum, every test known to man and perinatologist was performed, including blood clotting disorder testing. My peri had a feeling we would find our answers there. As we waited for the results to come in, after months of wondering and hoping for an answer, I got my answer. My answer was that I didn't want to know. In waiting for those test results, I realized that knowing would be just as scary as not, maybe even moreso. And so, ignorant bliss is the path I longed for. Knowing what happened wouldn't bring our baby back but it may provide a safer entry into the world for our youngest and so then I did want to know. When the phone rang and my heart leapt into my throat, that half-prayer was answered. No clotting disorders. I was have half relieved, half terrified.

I have gone over every second of pregnancy, from conception to watching her beautiful heartbeat stop, looking for an answer, even a clue. None to be found by doctors or hunch. I don't know if it's better that way but it doesn't really matter now. The best medical guess is a cord issue, compression or entanglement that resolved itself while we planned the funeral, before her birth. And so it goes.

"This day is getting older, in fading light it's beautiful.
This wind is blowing colder, and too soon I'll feel it's pull.
Still, I took all my chances, earned myself an even score.
Try to learn my lessons well. And I don't have the answers,
for those questions anymore. Only love can be both heaven and hell.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart, for the road is long ahead.
I'll be with you even though we're apart, but your road is yours to tread.
And so it goes, and so it goes, and so it goes, slows your mind, mind, mind, so it goes... and so it goes, and so it goes, slows your mind, mind, mind.

I've grown old on this ocean, gave her all, my stronger years.
Gave my wife my devotion, when she died, the ocean my tears.
I've tried to teach you well son, all of everything I knew.
Of how to live this life be true.
Don't bow your head to no one, and no matter what you do,
if you start then see it through.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart, for the road is long ahead.
I'll be with you even though we're apart, but your road is yours to tread.
And so it goes, and so it goes, and so it goes, slows your mind, mind, mind, so it goes... and so it goes, and so it goes, slows your mind, mind, mind."

~The Beautiful Girls

the first

I've always been one to listen to the lyrics. Of course, at first I'm drawn to the melody or the beat but then I listen to the words. Since having children, the words have taken on even more meaning. Since Keely's passing, the sad songs sting deeper. One of the first songs that I associated with Keely was "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional. Some of the words don't fit but enough of it does that it'll always be her song. Specifically, for the reasons explained in bold...

We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away(she was due in September, the end of summer)

You have stolen my heart (self explanatory)

Invitation only, grant farewells
Crush the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight (this line in particular gets me everytime)
You have stolen my heart
And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well (as does she)

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart
I watch you spin around in the highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart


Steal our hearts she did.