Saturday, February 25, 2012

retreat, retreat

Coming up on 5 years down the road, some things have become more clear to me in my grief.

Springtime is hard. It's a time all about rebirth, renewal, refreshing and now...retreating. When I was 9 years old, my beloved grandmother passed away the day before Easter. Last year, my Nana fell ill unexpectedly in early April, just before Easter and passed away a month later. 6 weeks after my Nana's passing, my Gramps was gone too. And, of course, my Keely died April 2nd, was born April 11th and that year, Easter fell in between. Lots of sadness among the magnolia blooms. Daffodils blooming but the winter winds still whip around often; never allowing one to know what to expect. That's deep, right?

5 years now and I've finally realized why I don't like springtime. I'm irritable and short with those outside of what I see as my safe little circle, the nest I have around my family. Easily annoyed and easy to cry, I realize now the calendar and familiar spring air that gets under my skin. So to protect my heart and protect unknowing strangers, I retreat a bit during this time of year. Just enough to allow a little cushion and time to cry if I need it.

So as my annual retreat is upon me, I may post less and I may post more often. I don't know for sure what I'll need but I do know that for now, my grief is mature enough to allow whatever I need, whenever I need it to honor the lives I'm missing and protect the lives living around me.


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