Wednesday, February 29, 2012

leap year again

Leap year. Once every four years, we get an extra day. Four years ago, 2008. It had been less than a year since Keely's death and we were still a couple of months away from the birth of our rainbow boy. Looking back, I made the following post:

I noticed that during some of the other 4D scans; Callum has his big sister's eyes, but I hadn't thought much about it other than thinking that would be nice. I've realized today that those beautiful eyes that he shares with his big sister haven't ever looked back at me. I'm still glad he has features of hers and of his big brother, but I think to see her eyes looking back at me is going to be very powerful and I'm a little nervous. Has anybody felt that way about their rainbow baby's features? I just cannot wait to hold him and hear him crying and feel his warmth. I cannot wait to do all these things special with him and at the same time, wonder what her cries would've sounded like or if she would've stayed calm like she was in utero. :blush:

MISSing our angels and praying for our rainbows

Much has changed in those 4 years. 2 more beautiful children have been born safely into our arms in those years. We've grown and grieved, healed some and missed more. The raw, terrifying fear has subsided. Our grief has matured and we've found some solace in acceptance. At times the acceptance is a bitter pill and other times, a soft foundation. 4 years of being built up by our beautiful children, both living and dead, teaching us more than we ever could teach them. 4 years of moments spent wondering what Keely's contribution would've been should we have been allowed more earthly time with her.

I can look back on the words written 4 years ago by a frightened, broken hearted woman carrying a rainbow baby she wasn't sure she'd be able to hear cry or laugh or see smile and understand her a little better. I look back as a broken hearted mother whose mind may still wonder 'what if' but whose heart is full, hands are full and life is blessed by all her children. I am left to wonder what 4 years from now might bring. 4 years is just a blink in life but filled by so, so many beautiful moments I'm just not willing to forget.


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