Easter and an angel day

We had originally planned to have her celebration on her angel day since I was going to be racing on her birthday but when I had to drop the race due to a 3rd degree muscle tear, we decided to switch it back to her birthday and I've found that to be such a relief. I like being able to celebrate her birthday and would rather it just be us for her angel day because it tends to be the most emotionally sad day for me. I like to think of her birthday as our chance to hold her and celebrate her life and remember the immense relief upon laying her to rest (such a strange sensation). So Friday, we're going up to the cemetery and instead of leaving a bundle of pink roses that will eventually die and I'll have to collect them and throw them away, we're going to get two bags of rose petals and throw them into the wind around her headstone. They can fly all over the place and we don't have to worry about dead flowers there, but some might stick around for a bit <3 We had pink and white rose petals lining the aisle at our wedding as well.

Kind of as a sidenote: We've started a tradition where each year, in Keely's Easter basket, there's a new Easter decoration for us to put up in the house. That way, we collect some fun things to decorate our house and not everything that reminds us of Keely is a "sad" thing.

On Friday at 11:20 am, it will have been 3 years since we watched that beautiful heartbeat stop and our world forever changed. We love, love, love you little girl. We miss you times a thousand, but love you even more.

She gave us a gift for her day!

This Friday is Keely's angel day. 3 years ago, at 11:20 am, she slipped into the arms of Jesus.

Yesterday, at only 8 days past ovulation, I got a positive pregnancy test. We are expecting baby #4 in December.

Keely~ Baby, please watch over your little brother or sister <3

springtime at home

One might think this is the time of year I'd fill pages and pages with words of remembrance of Keely. But in truth, this is the time of year that it's all I can do to get through each day without tears. Sounds dramatic, right? Well, it is. The smell of the flowers, the day starting chilly and warming up drastically, the cloudless sky; all markers of spring and of that time we held our girl and said goodbye. Everyday is a look back and a look forward. Another day gone without her. Another day blessed to be her mother. Another day blessed with her brothers at my side. Another day to look back with both happy memories of her life and sad memories of our heartbreak.

As we ease our way to "her days", I may post less and less and conserve my energy for having any energy at all. Grief is exhausting and ongoing. 3 years down the road and it's hard to express the gaping hole at our family dinner table. So very gone, but even more loved.

"Oh, they tell me of a home far beyond the skies, Oh, they tell me of that home faraway." hymn

what's the address again?

Boston requested we make cards to send to Keely. He specifically wanted the butterfly thank you notes in the drawer from her last birthday so we got them out and the boys drew the most beautiful pictures for Sis. Boston's even had her name on it <3 I love it when they come up with ways on their own to remember their sister and keep her an everyday part of our lives. The hard part came when he wanted to address it. So, we addressed it to "Heaven" and will leave it at her grave on Sunday.

"We cannot always assure the future of our friends; we have a better chance of assuring our future if we remember who our friends are." Henry Kissinger

17 pages in and I have to stop...

but not because I won't finish, but because I have to rave. I've wanted to read this book since it was published and finally picked it up yesterday. 17 pages in and I'm hooked. Already, I have to stop and tell the world to read it. It's about stillbirth and a subsequent baby, but it's an insight into the mind of a bereaved parent. While I don't agree with everything she says (I don't think there's a person in the world I agree with 100%!), I found myself nodding and wishing I'd been able to so eloquently express what she did. I want to buy a copy for everybody I know; both bereaved and non bereaved. I want people to understand and while I know they can't, this will take them closer than before.

"An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken

"But mostly, I just missed my own child."