Saturday, July 19, 2014

What will I do with today?

We've spent the better part of our adult lives working towards our "forever" house, building a place that our children will grow up in.  We've spent a lot of time saying "after the house is done" or "after this baby comes".....

And now we're here, in this sweet place in life where we are comfortable and very, very blessed.  We have a home we love, a school the kids love, jobs we love.

Now we are in this place we can sit back, appreciate our blessings and remember our girl at peace.

This is my place to talk about her, miss her, remember her and think about how life would be if she had lived.  It might feel sad to read at times.  It is sad.  We miss her with every ounce of being.

But we HAD her.  She is ours.

I would do it all again just to have that little bit of time with her.  She's an integral part of our family, just as each of our babies are.  She is with us always.

Grief is daunting.  In the beginning, the shock is overwhelming.  There is no preparation. Then you come to a point where you realize that grief is a part of you that will follow you always.  It's overwhelming to think that if I live to be 110, that ache for my child gone will still be there.

To look forward in early grief (which is a different time for everyone!), it's daunting to think about a sadness haunting the rest of your days.  I'm here to tell you that the missing, the sadness, the hole is always there, there is happiness too.  There will come a day that you aren't taken aback by laughter or be genuinely happy.  Genuine happiness isn't lost to the bereaved.  If anything, I feel like it runs deeper.

I remember a saying that I clung to in early grief.  It was a part of Keely's 1 year birthday celebration.

Our joys will be greater, 
Our love will be deeper, 
Our lives will be fuller
because we shared your moment.

Soak in those words.  They are so, so, so very true.  Keely gave life a deeper meaning because she reminded us how very short it might be.

If you're in the early days of grief, do what you need to do to get through the day: cry, scream, go on a long walk, watch The Food Network, talk to someone.  It's different for everyone.

But know you'll feel happiness again.  It isn't that you will forget or move on, it isn't that there won't be tears behind your eyes for your little love not there Christmas morning or all the missed birthdays, but it's that you're grateful to have had that little bit of time at all.

Laughter will come again.

So now that are lives aren't as fast paced and hectic as they have been at times, I can reflect on our blessings and thank God for another beautiful day.  A day I have to do something kind in memory of our Keely and a day to relish the hugs, kisses, and love of our living children.

I hope today is a gentle day for all the bereaved.  I hope the sun shines in your windows or on your face or that the sky cries with you, whichever you need more.


"Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." ~Steel Magnolias

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