A day to remember...

October 15th

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

A wave of light will sweep the world at 7 pm across all time zones

In loving remembrance of the beautiful little souls who passed through this world far too quickly.

Light a candle at 7 pm and remember with all of our broken hearts.

XOXO

In remembrance...

Time has marched on.  In the time since I last posted, Keely has become a big sister once again.  Though this time, it's a bit different.  Our only other daughter was born.  Keely now has a sister of her own.  She came to us safely July 31st.  She's beautiful and an old soul.  So often, we wonder what should've been with her big sister; what kind of bond might they have had.  What kind of bond might they have now that we can't possibly understand?

We also built and moved into our forever house.  We have a beautiful garden in the works for Keely.  I love having a place just for her right in our yard.  Her grave is an hour and a half away from us.  While I'm glad she's buried with my grandmother, it hurts not being able to visit her everyday.  Now we have a place of remembrance and that makes my heart sing.  The anchor of her garden is a weeping cherry tree.  Perfect.

We are preparing for the holidays and have decided to do a random act of kindness each day for the month of November.

So often throughout November, we are reminded to be grateful.  Our family has been so blessed.  Yes, we've had heartache and miss a member of our family everyday, but we had her.  And that means we're lucky.  We have each other and plenty to eat.  We have our health and love and so many other things.  We want to spread our gratitude out.  Each day in November, we'll do one random act of kindness to reach out to someone else.  We're starting a list and making a schedule.  Any ideas are greatly appreciated.  I'm trying to make it not always about money, but about time and thought.

Some of our plans include:
~drawing pictures for people at Great Grandma's nursing home.
~picking up trash at a park
~buying a coffee for the person in line behind or in front of us
~donating time at a community kitchen
~packing care packages for soldiers and families of soldiers
~donating old toys


I look forward to documenting our month of kindness on Keely's blog and hoping that it catches on.  We'd love to hear more ideas!

Though she's gone from this earth, her spirit lives on.

XOXO

this is the day

6 years ago right now, I was in labor.  I remember every otherwise mundane moment of that day.

We watched a reality show on the WE network about a wedding.  It was awful.  My dad brought back Red Robin for everybody there (aside from me, I wasn't allowed to eat).  I wore pink slip on tennis shoes, a gray tank top, and black zip up shirt/pants to arrive.  When I told the receptionist I was there for an induction, she looked at me with a most confused expression and said "YOU are being induced?".  And then she looked at her records...

So many little details that I remember so vividly and I'm not sure I ever recorded.  For some reason, this year it feels important to write it all down.  6 years is a long time.

Usually, the days and weeks leading up to the actual anniversaries (of death and birth) are harder than the actual day.  Usually, the actual day is a bit of a relief.  Not this year.

This year, the sky opened up with rain, the sun hasn't peeked out all day and I feel so tired.  I wanted badly to go to sleep last night and wake up tomorrow.

As we left school from walking my oldest son in, a very excited little girl and her mother were hurrying into school.  They were carrying cupcakes with the number 6 on them.

We got lovely flowers from my mom and dad, to be planted in a garden just for Keely once our home construction is completed in a couple of months.  I so wish she were here to smell them and feel like a big girl for receiving flowers.

But her reward is much greater than pride and more fragrant than azaleas.

Missing my little girl so much today.  Every day, but especially on this day, the 6th anniversary of the first and last day I held her earthly body, saw those toes cross like my own, held her tiny hand.  6 years too long.

XOXO

Words can't really describe

6 years ago today, at 11:20 am, we watched as that beautiful heartbeat stopped and our girl slipped into the arms of God.

How precious was the time we had with you and how blessed we are to still feel you near.

We love you every second of every day, to the moon and back.  We miss you with every bone in our bodies, every second of every day.  We remember you and honor you with every breath.

Words elude me today.

I love you, Keely.  So many love you.

Someday, baby girl.

XOXO

Is this ever normal?

It will have been 6 years next Tuesday that we watched that sweet heartbeat stop.

We are leaving now to go to the flower shop and choose new flowers for her grave.

Does a mother or father ever get used to choosing flowers for their child's grave?  It seems that if it were going to happen, it would have by now.  There are times that it feels normal but most times, I remind myself that this isn't a dream.  She was real.  She was here.  She is gone.

We will send two dozen pink balloons plus a very special ones her brothers choose for her into the sky on Saturday.

The world will go on.  We will go on.  But we will take her with us in each and every breath.  And beyond.

XOXO

what are the odds

My husband and I had chosen a weekend to set this years balloon release for Keely.  I thought I'd see how far along I'd be on her angel day and birthday.

Keely was 22w3 days along when she died on April 2nd.  Her little sister will be 22w3d on April 2nd.

What are the odds?  We knew they were off on Keely's due date and knew roughly when it would have been but I had never given the actual date much thought.  

I'm thinking of it as a little gift from Keely, taking care of her little sister.

XOXO

Jeremiah 29:11 
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Every year, the inevitable...

It's a warm day today, almost spring like.  The birds are singing.  The sun is out.

It's crisp and chilly still, but you can feel spring knocking on winter's door.

Those are the days that take me back to the darkest days of losing our first girl.  It was so warm the day she died, I was dressed like it was summer. Then for her funeral, it was misty and chilly and so hard to keep warm graveside.

These warmer days, at the end of winter's chill bring back those vivid memories of losing her and it all feels like a dream.  Nearly 6 years later, I remind myself that this is our story.

MISSing, Loving, Remembering. Always, on warm days and cool.
XOXO

big news, big emotions

We found out a week ago today that we're having another baby girl!  Her name is Marnie Dylan, named for my beloved grandmother.  Her daddy and I are thrilled, the boys are thrilled and we feel Keely beaming from Heaven.

Each time we've been pregnant, we hear from many people (mostly strangers) that they hope it's a girl for us.  A cashier at Target told us in front of my sons to "Keep trying for a girl!" and my oldest son said "We have a sister, but she died."  I feel pretty sure that cashier will never tell anyone that again    

Finding out (through dna testing, so it's a sure thing!) that we're having another baby girl has brought up some emotions I'm not even sure I can put into words.  I will try.

Yes, I have a daughter and I'm always the first to point that out to anybody, but it's different.  I have 3 amazing living sons.  I know boys.  I know about raising boys.  I'm so thrilled to be having a little girl, but it's scary too.  I cried in the baby girl's section of a store I was in out of sheer excitement.  For nearly 6 years, I've looked at that section as I walked past as a place of 'what might have been'.  I've mentally picked out Easter and Christmas dresses that we never bought.  I remember well when I realized Keely would've outgrown the baby section by now.  Just this week, I realized I've never purchased girl clothes. I have never gotten my nieces any clothes.  I didn't purposely steer clear but now, looking back, I think I did.  The baby girl clothing section has been forbidden.  

These feelings are a lot of how I remember my first rainbow pregnancy being: 100% terror and 100% pure joy and excitement.  It's new and exciting.  It's new and unknown.  

I'm SO excited, but I'm also so nervous.  I don't want to pin someone else's existence on my baby daughter before she's even born.  I wonder how Keely would feel about having a little sister; how Marnie will feel about having a big sister she never got to know on earth and maybe end up being the only living girl (we aren't finished but probably just 1 or 2 more).  I feel like I'm putting unnecessary pressure on myself and she isn't even born yet.  I don't want to screw it up.

The irrational side of me makes me want to make sure Keely knows she isn't being replaced or forgotten.  I KNOW that won't happen.  She's better cared for in Heaven than I could provide and I think my boys have adjusted supremely well each time a baby has been added to our family.  I don't want our little Marnie to feel like a replacement either.  She's not.  She's her own incredible little addition to this family, as is every one of our babies, special, perfect, fitting in their own ways.  We are blessed beyond reason and I hope each of my babies, earthbound and Heavenbound, know how much my soul aches for them to be together but more importantly, how much my love for them can reach beyond the moon and back.  

I knew a lot of my feelings just aren't ripe for words yet.  They will come in time.  And then I'll be back.

letters to Heaven...

As Keely's little brother, our first rainbow baby, begins to grasp that his big sister died, many questions have come.  You can see the lightbulb as he figures out what all of it means.  In doing so, he wrote Keely a letter, sealed the envelope and asked me to sent it to Heaven.

I explained that we couldn't send letters to Heaven the way we can send Christmas cards, but I thought people in Heaven could get the messages in our heart, kind of like God hears our prayers.  We talked about how God could take care of that.

We decided to put his still-sealed letter to the big sister he never got to know in her memory trunk.

Oh how I would love to know what it says...