I'm not sure where this post might be going but I felt the need to write today. We had the Walk to Remember last Saturday. While I couldn't go on the actual walk because of modified bedrest, I got to sit in the "garden of peace" at the hospital where Keely was (and the rest of my children were) born. It truly was a place of peace. I was visited by a single white butterfly and the beauty of the day was all encompassing. My spirit was lifted and I look forward to the possibility of taking Beckham there before we leave the hospital after his birth.
Being a parent to a deceased child is a hard job; few would argue with that. There are many tears, many "what if"s, many "should have been"s and a continuous fight to keep that memory alive in others. But there is a lighter side. There is goodness in every life that graces this world, no matter how quickly it moves on. There is pride, joy and more love than imaginable as a parent, whether your child is living or passed on. There are still stories to tell; not as many as we'd like but they are there.
I don't know what's pressuring me from inside to talk about Keely's life and death so much lately- maybe it's the upcoming birth of another little brother of her's, maybe it's that it's October, maybe it's the feeling that others' ('friends' at one time) grief or even tolerance for grief has run dry. It could be that my current state has made me unable to visit her grave (an hours drive away) as much as I'd like to or as I'm used to, maybe it's the fact that that internal pressure is always there but the energy to explore it isn't. Whatever the reason, I'm here. Writing. I'm Keely's mommy. Keely's gone from this earth now, but she's so much more than gone. Does that even make sense? It does in my head so I'm going with it.
In loving memory of my Keely