Keely's new book

We have a little bookshelf for Keely that sits next to the trunk that holds all her things. Each year for Christmas, my parents get her a new book in her stocking (so the stocking's not empty) that we put in her shelves (it also has little brother's book "Someone came before you" and big brother's book "We were going to have an baby but got an angel instead"). When the boys have questions or we just need a minute 'with her', we can go to her shelf to read them. Last year, they put "God Gave Us Heaven", etc.

My mom was having a hard time finding the right one for this year so I did some searching and we ordered "I see the moon" by Kathi Appelt and it came in today. It's just perfect. Gorgeous illustrations, adorable story. Definitely a tearjerker but in a good way. The little girl in the illustrations even looks to be around 3 years old <3 Although Keely had blonde hair (and I'm thinking it probably would've stayed that way had she aged). The last page is about God bringing her home safely.

Here's a link that has excerpts and you can see the gorgeous illustrations: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802852262/sr=8-1/qid=1288304709/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1288304709&sr=8-1&seller=#_

for every negative comment, there is a positive one

I was bothered Wednesday by my admissions appointment at the hospital. Yesterday, with my boys at the bookstore they made friends with a little guy playing at the train table. The little boy's aunt was very friendly and was chatting it up with my boys and myself. She asked their names, they told her. After that, Boston speaks up with "and we're going to have a Beckham soon!". The kind stranger said she loved the name and was very sweet to my oldest son as he went on to say with one finger pointed in the air "and don't forget about Keely!". To this,

she replied "oh, who's Keely?"
my son said "our sister"
when she said "and how old is your sister?"

I spoke up here as my son continued to play and said "she would've been 3"
my son added "she's in Heaven!"

The stranger sweetly smiled and didn't skiip a beat while saying "Wow, you have a special angel watching over you!"

My son offered up an enthusiastic "YUP!" :)


Made.My.Day.

When these situations arise, and there is no reasonable moment to slip in her name, all my insides are screaming "there are more of us!!!!" but I only bring it into the coversation when the opportunity presents itself. I try to tell myself if my oldest children were in school or at home or a friend's house, I wouldn't feel the need to tell people where they are or explain that not all of my children are with me right now. So I only mention her when someone asks how many and the conversation continues. I NEED people to know about her. Not many got to meet her but many know of her. Those who do are lucky :)

I was so grateful that Keely's big brother could step up and tell people of her, just as proud as he is of his living brothers. The things he can accomplish astound me. My children amaze me so much everyday; their bond with each other (even the ones that expand beyond this life, this earth) and how much they can teach one another.

A good day.
XOXO

ouch...

I just returned home from my pre-admission appointment with the hospital. It went pretty well. This is my 4th baby born at that hospital; I'm pretty good at it by now ;)

That said, here's how a portion of our meeting went:

admissions lady: "So how many children do you have?"
me: "This is baby #4"
admissions lady: "Are they girls or boys?"
me: "Boy, Girl, Boy and this one's a boy"

Several minutes and several questions later...

admissions lady: "How many pregnancies?"
me: "4 with one uncomfirmed {by a hospital} loss"
admissions lady: "so no confirmed miscarriages"
me: "well, our daughter was born still"
admissions lady: "so 5 confirmed pregnancies"
me: "no, my daughter's stillbirth is included in our 4 children"

At this time, she went back to where she'd marked "__2__ boys __1__ girls" and scratched out the 1 and put a 0.

Just like that, she erased Keely from our family on paper :(
You would think a hospital (one with a great bereavement program at that!)would have a better procedure for this situation. You can mark whatever box you'd like, lady, but we have 1 girl and 3 boys. End of story.

random Wednesday thoughts

I'm not sure where this post might be going but I felt the need to write today. We had the Walk to Remember last Saturday. While I couldn't go on the actual walk because of modified bedrest, I got to sit in the "garden of peace" at the hospital where Keely was (and the rest of my children were) born. It truly was a place of peace. I was visited by a single white butterfly and the beauty of the day was all encompassing. My spirit was lifted and I look forward to the possibility of taking Beckham there before we leave the hospital after his birth.

Being a parent to a deceased child is a hard job; few would argue with that. There are many tears, many "what if"s, many "should have been"s and a continuous fight to keep that memory alive in others. But there is a lighter side. There is goodness in every life that graces this world, no matter how quickly it moves on. There is pride, joy and more love than imaginable as a parent, whether your child is living or passed on. There are still stories to tell; not as many as we'd like but they are there.

I don't know what's pressuring me from inside to talk about Keely's life and death so much lately- maybe it's the upcoming birth of another little brother of her's, maybe it's that it's October, maybe it's the feeling that others' ('friends' at one time) grief or even tolerance for grief has run dry. It could be that my current state has made me unable to visit her grave (an hours drive away) as much as I'd like to or as I'm used to, maybe it's the fact that that internal pressure is always there but the energy to explore it isn't. Whatever the reason, I'm here. Writing. I'm Keely's mommy. Keely's gone from this earth now, but she's so much more than gone. Does that even make sense? It does in my head so I'm going with it.

In loving memory of my Keely
XOXO

October 15th

Today is October 15th.

Most in the bereavement community have been looking forward to this day with both excitement and dread. A day to share your story, your child with all the world to be rememebered. A day to connect with other bereaved families and remember their children. A day to reflect and look forward.

Also a day to MISS, like every other day, but this day look around and realize how many MISSed children there are. A day to shed a tear for them. A day to shed a tear for the families that love them so and ache for them daily. A day to think of how many families will join us next year, but have no idea this year.

We are at a point in our journey that many of our friends have moved on and expect us to have done the same. They don't understand that while we can move forward, we will not move on. Our children are as much a part of us as if they were living still. I can take this day, this month, to soak up the community that I have in other bereaved mothers, in the MISS Foundation and otherwise that know the journey. We will hold each other up, educate those that don't understand and remember with love and gratitude all that our children continue to show us daily.

XOXO

October 1st

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. An awareness that the bereaved live with daily and share with the world for the month of October. To celebrate, cherish every moment you have, remember every moment you had.

Missing my sweet Keely today and everyday.

One of my favorite quotes:
"Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine" ~line from a song in Dumbo