As I begin the journey of the subsequent (after loss) pregnancy for the second time and the worry about my 4th child is a constant companion, it's had me thinking back to my time carrying Keely; the last time I could be a "it won't happen to me" pregnant girl.
This pregnancy, I'm afraid that I'm mistaking my fear and worry for intuition. Is my being scared a way to warn me about something or cushion a blow that has yet to be seen? Realistically, probably not. It is what it is: fear and worry when you know all too well what can go wrong so very quickly in pregnancy.
But it has me thinking back to when I was pregnant with Keely and my mom got me a frame for one of our ultrasounds. We had just come from a successful visit at the OB and had seen Keely fluttering around, so very full of life. The frame is lovely and to this day, it sits on our shelf housing that very same ultrasound photo from the day we picked it up. We didn't know the gender at the time so it's green and says "love you now and forever". Immediately upon reading the phrase, it read to me like it was for a baby that had died. I didn't say anything at the time because I did like it and didn't want to sound morbid or like I didn't like the gift. That was the moment I look back on and think "maybe I knew". Maybe on some level, I was being prepared for the fact that we'd end up with a grave for our child instead of our child. Maybe something inside me knew.
But, maybe everybody has a random moment like that and nobody remembers them except the bereaved mothers, the ones who go back over every second of pregnancy wondering about sliding doors. What if?
I prodded friends and family recently to make sure I was a paranoid during my pregnancy with my first rainbow baby. They assured me I was a nut :)
"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." Maya Angelou