from her party...
Monday, April 25, 2011
visions of Keely
Last week I had a dream that I needed to let settle in my head before I spoke about it. It really got me thinking and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.
In it, Keely was about 4 years old; the age she'd be now. All three of her brothers were here as well, all the ages they'd be as well. My whole family was together. But it wasn't the dream I usually picture because in it, Keely was dying. She had cancer and we knew she was dying. That was the whole dream. Very simple but very vivid. I could smell the hospital even after I woke up. I knew the design on her hospital gown, the colors in the room. I knew the thoughts going through my head in the dream.
This dream has had my mind in knots. What I wouldn't give to have my family together!! I'd love for my sons to know their sister in an earthly way. I'd love to hear her voice, her laugh. I'd love to have her eyes look back into mine. I'd love even 4 years together...
But I know how selfish that is. I don't want her scared or in pain or who knows what else a family would go through when a child dies after you're used to waking up with or opening presents Christmas morning with them. I know she's happy and dancing in Heaven. It's us left that mourn and while we can't truly understand it now, this life is temporary.
On a similar note, I think my niece has a gift. A gift I fear she may outgrow one day so I'm recording these little glimpses now while I can. My niece is going to be 4 this summer. My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. Keely and her cousin were about 6 weeks apart. Her Daddy went to sit next to her on the couch and she said "No Daddy, you can't sit there. The girl is there." very matter of factly. She then went on to issue an extensive apology to 'the girl' on her daddy's behalf ;) So her daddy asked her about the girl. "She has yellow hair and green eyes." He asked her name. "Mommy, Stephanie." I find this particularly remarkable as Keely is named for my two sisters; their middle names. I have no reason to believe my niece would know this about her Mommy and our other sister (who ALWAYS goes by Steph or a nickname, never Stephanie). A few minutes later, she said "okay, you can sit there now, the girl went to sit with her Mommy."
Like we got a little glimpse of Heaven, of our girl. I'm so grateful.
In it, Keely was about 4 years old; the age she'd be now. All three of her brothers were here as well, all the ages they'd be as well. My whole family was together. But it wasn't the dream I usually picture because in it, Keely was dying. She had cancer and we knew she was dying. That was the whole dream. Very simple but very vivid. I could smell the hospital even after I woke up. I knew the design on her hospital gown, the colors in the room. I knew the thoughts going through my head in the dream.
This dream has had my mind in knots. What I wouldn't give to have my family together!! I'd love for my sons to know their sister in an earthly way. I'd love to hear her voice, her laugh. I'd love to have her eyes look back into mine. I'd love even 4 years together...
But I know how selfish that is. I don't want her scared or in pain or who knows what else a family would go through when a child dies after you're used to waking up with or opening presents Christmas morning with them. I know she's happy and dancing in Heaven. It's us left that mourn and while we can't truly understand it now, this life is temporary.
On a similar note, I think my niece has a gift. A gift I fear she may outgrow one day so I'm recording these little glimpses now while I can. My niece is going to be 4 this summer. My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. Keely and her cousin were about 6 weeks apart. Her Daddy went to sit next to her on the couch and she said "No Daddy, you can't sit there. The girl is there." very matter of factly. She then went on to issue an extensive apology to 'the girl' on her daddy's behalf ;) So her daddy asked her about the girl. "She has yellow hair and green eyes." He asked her name. "Mommy, Stephanie." I find this particularly remarkable as Keely is named for my two sisters; their middle names. I have no reason to believe my niece would know this about her Mommy and our other sister (who ALWAYS goes by Steph or a nickname, never Stephanie). A few minutes later, she said "okay, you can sit there now, the girl went to sit with her Mommy."
Like we got a little glimpse of Heaven, of our girl. I'm so grateful.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
another birthday past
We made it through her celebration and then through her birthday. It was a lovely celebration of a beautiful but short life. Pictures will come soon. The last milestone is the 14th, the day she was laid to rest.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
a frenemy returns
Frenemy: combination of a friend and an enemy.
My former constant companion the nightmare has returned, probably due to the looming dates on the calendar. An enemy because of the terror it can hold and a friend because I can wake up to know it was't real.
The worst nightmares are the ones you can't wake up from. Like any given night, life often contains both a dream and a nightmare and sometimes the dividing line gets blurred.
XOXO
My former constant companion the nightmare has returned, probably due to the looming dates on the calendar. An enemy because of the terror it can hold and a friend because I can wake up to know it was't real.
The worst nightmares are the ones you can't wake up from. Like any given night, life often contains both a dream and a nightmare and sometimes the dividing line gets blurred.
XOXO
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