letters to Heaven

My Keely~
I just needed to say your name today, sweet girl. Not a second goes by that you aren't on our minds and felt at our side. Loving and missing you so very much.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Mama

i saw her in my dream

I have very vivid dreams and can remember them {most nights} in great detail. Sometimes, that's good. Sometimes, very bad. Last night, it was good. Very good.

It was a short dream; just long enough to make me smile though. Keely was in our house, the age she would be now if she'd survived (3 years old). She had hair much like our son Callum; blonde and straight though hers was slightly darker than her little brother's. She had pale skin and dark under eyes, like her older brother and mommy both do. She was barefoot and wearing a little sundress; white with pink flowers on it. She didn't say anything to me, but motioned me down the hallway after her, grinning.

My mind is playing tricks on me now. Is that what she would've looked like? Walked like? Smiled like? I will never know for sure, but I do like a little peek of what might've been.

XOXO

22w3d

We have made it past that fateful day in this pregnancy. 22w3d was how far along we were when we went in to the OB, only to watch Keely's heart start strong and then slowly fade away into silence. Every ultrasound, I can't help but think of that one. We are SO very lucky to have gotten to see those final beats of her heart; I feel that is a special gift we were given.

And now we are making Keely a big sister yet again, to another baby brother. And we've passed that milestone in this subsequent pregnancy but not without some complications. I've had some bleeding and a shortening cervix so I've been put on some restrictions and a higher watch level. There are times I'm optimisitic and times I'm scared out of my mind. Today is a scared day.

I think back to the time I spent pregnant with Keely, completely unaware of how our lives were about to change and the clock was ticking on us ever so silently. That innocent time of pregnancy is gone to me, despite many around me feeling that we're "normal" now. If only!

I know how lucky we are to have our living children. I know how lucky we are to have Keely. I know how lucky we are. I also know that life will never be the same, in both good ways and in sad.

So as we limp along in pregnancy, aching for December to bring a healthy, screaming baby into our arms, we can think back to our time with Keely and be so very grateful.

XOXO