spring decorations

Last weekend, we changed out Keely's decorations; new windchimes, new garland, new flowers and a ceramic bunny chosen with love.

the flowers

We shopped last night for new flowers for Keely's grave. Nearly 2 years down this road and it does still feel like a movie at times. I said to Sam as we browsed for flowers that our oldest son was extremely specific about "not too floppy" and "very pink for our girl" and "just right floppy" that I wondered if it would ever get easy to shop for flowers for the cemetary. I've done it countless times, go to the cemetary daily and yet, every time, it seems more "real". He said he was just going to say that he's finally at the point that he doesn't dread the flower store. It's nice now, that big brother is big enough to express an interest in what goes on her grave. One of the few things we get to actively do for our girl. I enjoy decorating her grave. There's something about the shopping for it, though. I can't quite verbalize it. I like to do something a little different every time we change them out. This time, Sam found a cute tin watering can and we chose several shades of pink flowers to pour out of them. We also got a new garland for around the base of the headstone; the one that's there is too wintry now and a garland for my great grandma Marney, buried next to my girl. I was very excited about her new windchimes; they're perfect. Sam and Boston continued their tradition of choosing a ceramic bunny for Eastertime for her grave. I'll post photos when it gets a little closer.

I haven't been able to bring myself to throw out anything that's been with her at the cemetary. It's all in its own spot in the garage. I thought maybe I'd just save the "special" things but it's all special to me. It's all shared time at her resting place. It's all been laid out to memorialze her. Maybe someday I'll feel differently or we'll run out of garage space but for now, it will collect.

my walk to see Kee

2 inches of ice and 14 inches of snow tried its best to keep me from Keely's grave. She is laid to rest on the back side of the cemetary, just on the other side of a tall hill. It was 3 degrees yesterday morning so we took Nana with us, knowing the boys couldn't get out in that cold. Unfortunately (though not surprisingly) no plow had touched the roads and the gates were still closed. I left the car running with my precious boys and my mom in there and began the trek over the hill. The wind was brutal and my feet rarely broke the ice beneath. Very dramatic sounding, eh? It was beautiful. Despite the cold, the sun was shining brightly and the snow absolutely glistened on my walk up. As soon as I made an impression on the snow, it was as quickly gone with the wind. From the time I stepped out of the car, I could hear her chimes. Such a nice sound to chase. I made it up to my girl and found her little angel statue completely submerged in ice and snow in a hard block. I dusted snow off of the garland and untangled her windchimes, though I'm sure they were just as tangled by the time I got back to the car. I had a peaceful moment, just me and my Keely, said a prayer, gave her kisses and made my way back to the car. Only the bunnies had been to see her; I could see their tracks in the ice. But she is with us, even when we can't brave the weather.

from her 1st birthday

so remembered, so loved by so many

The cemetary in winter

I've had issues with the cemetary where Keely is laid to rest. We chose that solely because my grandmother (my beloved Marney) is. I do find comfort in Keely being next to her Great Grandma and that is where Sam and I will someday rest. I know once we pass on, we won't care but it's important to me now. We've gone 9 rounds with the caretaker about getting the grass cut; many of the families of the cemetary, not just us. Finally, some good samaritans (who I want to just give a hug to) took over and made it beautiful all summer long. We've had things stolen (if you see a little angel carrying Lilies of the Valley, let me know) and we've had strange things left there.

There are times, though, that I find such peace in her place, my heart is relieved. One morning, a fawn was resting right at her headstone. Her headstone itself is perfect: emerald green stone, the shape of an angel and the perfect verses for our perfect girl. It makes me feel good to decorate it for holidays and to find the perfect flowers for her butterfly shaped shepherd's hook.

Yesterday was one of the good days there. There was a quarter inch of ice covering the entire place and complete and total silence. I could almost hear Heaven. Even her windchimes were too heavy with ice, until I turned to go back to the car and a single note from them said goodbye to me. I had to look back once more to see the sun peek through the clouds and shimmer on the angel's ice. Such beauty.