Mother's Day

Last Sunday was International Bereaved Mother's Day.  It just so happened that I saw a double rainbow in the sky, clear as can be.  A beautiful gift.  A promise from God.

Today is Mother's Day.  I am beyond lucky to have these 3 beautiful living sons.  They make this world brighter, they make my heart sing.  They've made me a mother, taught me more than I ever could've imagined.  I am beyond lucky to have had Keely for 22 weeks and 3 days, to have gotten to witness those final beats of her beautiful heart.  She made this world a brighter place, she makes my heart sing.  She makes me a mother and taught me more than I ever could've imagined.  

They are all the reasons I am a mother.  They are all my world.  They are my beautiful, wonderful, loving, bubbly children.  Each and every one of them.

Wishing a gentle mother's day to those wishing all their children were in their arms today. 

On vacation with us...Everywhere with us

We went to Disney World this past week.  We had a fantastic trip, wonderful weather.  We had {almost} everything we could ask for.  We missed our girl, talked about her, talked about what she'd be like were she with us physically.  We saw butterflies and remembered.  We let a balloon go in front of Cinderella's castle in her honor.  We missed her but were grateful for her presence in our hearts.

"No matter what happens, I'll always be with you. Forever. "
-Pocahontas

Draw me nearer, blessed Lord...

As I read today about another family saying goodbye far too soon, I draw near to the heart of God.  We may never understand why we are put on these journeys but we can be sure of the goal.

Wishing peace to the family in their darkest hours.

"There are depths of love that I cannot know
Till I cross the narrow sea;
There are heights of joy that I may not reach
Till I rest in peace with Thee."

whirlwind...

What an emotional rollercoaster this past month has been. 5 years has been a tough anniversary. We're far enough out that most days we've accepted that Keely is gone and it seems so far from having held her and yet far from holding her again.

I'm not sure what it is about this 5 year mark. The days were the same as they were that year, a Monday, a Wednesday and this Saturday is 5 years from her burial. I don't know if it's some silent marking of grief that is like a rite of passage. I don't know if maybe it's this heart wrenching every year, but this year was rough. Easter came and went, just as it did that year. I lost myself in love for my sweet living children and how lucky we are to be their parents. I lost myself in love and grief for our precious girl we wish could've been with us.

We are so lucky that our friends and family remember alongside us. I know that many on this heartbroken road don't have that luxury.

Her balloons were released into a gorgeous, sunny sky and sent straight up to Heaven. Her cake was make, decorated and eaten. Her Easter basket was filled.

And she was missed. So, so, so missed.

XOXO

perfect quote for her final moments...

" There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life."

~Steel Magnolias

It was a Monday then too.

This time, 5 years ago, Keely still kicked away.

I went into my regular doctor's appointment. We did the usual check up, everything seemed great. Then she got the doppler out and found that precious heartbeat. It seemed... slow.

She thought it must be the machine so we used the portable ultrasound machine that was already in the room. There was that heartbeat again but it didn't satisfy the doctor. We made the trek down the hall to the big ultrasound room. Walking down the hallway, I thought to myself "I could find out the sex!". I still had no idea. None. I knew the heartbeat was slow but it was there.

The doctor puts me in the ultrasound room with the technician and shut the door. We watch in complete silence until it is apparent that the slow heartbeat is slowing down even more and under her breath, the technician whispers "oh my god". I hold out hope until the very last beat and then the tears overtake me. The technician just shakes her head no and I can see the tears have overtaken her as well. She leaves the room. She left the image of our girl up on the ultrasound screen, now completely silent, completely still.

I remember those moments like they happened yesterday, maybe even better than I used to now that the shock has worn off.

5 years ago, our lives were irreparably changed. A defining moment in life.

We miss you, Keely Rae! But we love you even more <3

5 years ago today and tomorrow and 5 years ago on Easter and her birthday and...

This day 5 years ago, Keely was alive and well, kicking and dancing in my belly. 5 years ago today, we were remembering the passing of my grandmother who had passed on this day in 1991. 5 years ago today, we had no idea. None.

We had gone to my parents' town, to church and to tour a home. The realtor and I joked about finding out the sex. She was pregnant too, due about the same time I was. Her daughter will be 5 soon. I will visit my daughter's grave. I felt fine. I had been to the doctor the week before because something didn't feel right but I couldn't quite figure out what. At that appointment, we heard her sweet, precious heartbeat. She was perfect. My mind had been put at ease. All was well for 4 more days.

Today, 5 years ago, was the last day we knew complete, naive happiness. There is happiness now, but there is always someone missing. I don't really remember who I was before. I don't remember what "it couldn't happen to me" felt like.

XOXO