saying goodbye and saying hello

Ringing out the old year and in with the new, but bringing the memory of our loved ones gone before in new ways, in ways we don't fully understand, in ways we haven't before. But, they are with us.

Wishing everyone missing someone a gentle, peaceful and even happy new year.

"Bring unto the sorrowing

All release from pain;
Let the lips of laughter
Overflow again" ~ James Whitcomb Riley

couch jumpers!

The more time that passes, the harder it is to picture what Keely might look like if she were alive today. It gets harder to mould that almost 2 lb girl's face into that of a 4 year old and guess how she might fit in with her brothers, how they might quarrel or how they might snuggle up for a movie.

Just now, I was able to picture it. For the first time in a long time, I could picture a 4 year old girl, in jammies like her brothers, acting silly and getting into mischief with them. I could picture her blonde hair falling into a mess over her face as she jumps on the couch until they finally hear me calling to them.

A completely fabricated vision and yet, in it, I find peace. Millions of what ifs in a day, still. Always. And always still, peace because I know she's at peace.

a little girl's Christmas

We always choose to honor Keely at the holidays by sponsoring a little girl the age Keely would've been this year.

4 years old. Too grown for baby toys. Specific interests, likes, dislikes, a personality we'll never know. It was harder this year than I remember it being. I chose a sparkly pink sweater dress and sparkly shoes. Would she like those things? Would she be more of a tomboy? She'd have to be kind of tough to hang out with her brothers ;) Or they'd be her protectors. I was drawn to the little girl asking for dinosaurs because she most certainly would've been forced to play dinos, even if just a little. After looking through the Barbie aisle, they seemed too grown up for a 4 year old so her baby brother helped me pick out a fairy doll. Perfect.

Some little girl somewhere will open those gifts Christmas morning and I hope they are her taste and that she's excited and feels the magic of Christmas that my little girl never got to see. Meanwhile, my little girl will be remembered and missed and enjoying Heaven until we get there. We'll be experiencing the joy and magic of Christmas while experiencing the pain of an absence. Life is not fair but it is beautiful and fleeting, another lesson our girl sends home.

Wishing gentle holidays to anyone missing someone. XOXO

"The presence of her absence is everywhere"

Where I've been...

I have been very absent from the blog, but of course, Keely is never off my mind.

We've moved. We've moved from the home she "lived" in. We've moved from the home we grieved in, in those early, darkest hours. We've left the town she was born and died in, the doctors who cared for her, her name on the brick outside the hospital.

It's been far more emotional than I could've imagined, though I knew it would be hard. It's something that's right for our family. If Keely were alive, she'd be nervous and excited as her brothers are. We've put up Christmas decorations, her stocking, her things. We've brought her with us, but it's hard leaving those places too.

We've decorated her grave (we're still about an hour from her grave, just in a different direction now) for Christmas. Beautiful white, sparkly tree and white sparkly wreath on her purple shepherd's hook, which wouldn't be complete without a pink butterfly too.

This has been a hard year for the family. My grandmother, then 6 weeks later my grandfather, both called Home. Greeted by a great granddaughter. I miss them all dearly. The holidays, while lit up with the sweet faces of my living children, are still missing the light of those gone on before us. Someday we'll understand.

XOXO

a bit of good news!

The cemetery sold! The man who purchased it/took it over/whatever is doing it as a labor of love. He's using the fall to repair where vandalism took place and mowing and weeding before cold weather sets in. Then in the spring, his plans are to replace some of the old roads with brick walking paths and add a gazebo and gathering fountain. He has also promised that no one helping will be arrested :)

Hallelujah!

lots to write but not much to say

My husband left early for work today; before the boys and the sun were awake. The baby and I woke up with him, to have breakfast together and see him off. Now, as the baby nurses back to sleep, I am taking in the quiet of the house. I hear the constant buzz of the ceiling fans and the occasional roll of one of the boys asleep in bed.

The changing of the seasons, the upcoming birth of a new nephew and even the still of the house make me think of Keely and how she'd fit into this puzzle were she still living.

There is an on-going battle with the caretaker (and I'm using the term VERY loosely) of the cemetery. There are hundreds of graves there and all have been horribly neglected while he continues to collect perpetual care funds along with a tacky and insulting "collections" box for donations at the entrance. On top of that he has threatened to have anyone mowing or pulling weeds at their loved ones' graves ARRESTED. Can you imagine??

"What are you in for?"

"Mowing the grass at my daughter's grave."

"........"

Street cred!

Not much more to say on that. We are continuing to mow the grass and pull the weeds. I'm guessing/hoping the police department will be busy with other things.

xoxo

what i want the world to know..

I saw a question posed today about bereavement... What would I want people to know about the my journey in grief.

The answer, to me, is quite simple: that Keely is in every thought, every breath, just like each of my children I'm lucky enough to still hold. She is still a member of our family, part of every day of our lives and one more thing... we love to hear her name.

XOXO