what are the odds

My husband and I had chosen a weekend to set this years balloon release for Keely.  I thought I'd see how far along I'd be on her angel day and birthday.

Keely was 22w3 days along when she died on April 2nd.  Her little sister will be 22w3d on April 2nd.

What are the odds?  We knew they were off on Keely's due date and knew roughly when it would have been but I had never given the actual date much thought.  

I'm thinking of it as a little gift from Keely, taking care of her little sister.

XOXO

Jeremiah 29:11 
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Every year, the inevitable...

It's a warm day today, almost spring like.  The birds are singing.  The sun is out.

It's crisp and chilly still, but you can feel spring knocking on winter's door.

Those are the days that take me back to the darkest days of losing our first girl.  It was so warm the day she died, I was dressed like it was summer. Then for her funeral, it was misty and chilly and so hard to keep warm graveside.

These warmer days, at the end of winter's chill bring back those vivid memories of losing her and it all feels like a dream.  Nearly 6 years later, I remind myself that this is our story.

MISSing, Loving, Remembering. Always, on warm days and cool.
XOXO

big news, big emotions

We found out a week ago today that we're having another baby girl!  Her name is Marnie Dylan, named for my beloved grandmother.  Her daddy and I are thrilled, the boys are thrilled and we feel Keely beaming from Heaven.

Each time we've been pregnant, we hear from many people (mostly strangers) that they hope it's a girl for us.  A cashier at Target told us in front of my sons to "Keep trying for a girl!" and my oldest son said "We have a sister, but she died."  I feel pretty sure that cashier will never tell anyone that again    

Finding out (through dna testing, so it's a sure thing!) that we're having another baby girl has brought up some emotions I'm not even sure I can put into words.  I will try.

Yes, I have a daughter and I'm always the first to point that out to anybody, but it's different.  I have 3 amazing living sons.  I know boys.  I know about raising boys.  I'm so thrilled to be having a little girl, but it's scary too.  I cried in the baby girl's section of a store I was in out of sheer excitement.  For nearly 6 years, I've looked at that section as I walked past as a place of 'what might have been'.  I've mentally picked out Easter and Christmas dresses that we never bought.  I remember well when I realized Keely would've outgrown the baby section by now.  Just this week, I realized I've never purchased girl clothes. I have never gotten my nieces any clothes.  I didn't purposely steer clear but now, looking back, I think I did.  The baby girl clothing section has been forbidden.  

These feelings are a lot of how I remember my first rainbow pregnancy being: 100% terror and 100% pure joy and excitement.  It's new and exciting.  It's new and unknown.  

I'm SO excited, but I'm also so nervous.  I don't want to pin someone else's existence on my baby daughter before she's even born.  I wonder how Keely would feel about having a little sister; how Marnie will feel about having a big sister she never got to know on earth and maybe end up being the only living girl (we aren't finished but probably just 1 or 2 more).  I feel like I'm putting unnecessary pressure on myself and she isn't even born yet.  I don't want to screw it up.

The irrational side of me makes me want to make sure Keely knows she isn't being replaced or forgotten.  I KNOW that won't happen.  She's better cared for in Heaven than I could provide and I think my boys have adjusted supremely well each time a baby has been added to our family.  I don't want our little Marnie to feel like a replacement either.  She's not.  She's her own incredible little addition to this family, as is every one of our babies, special, perfect, fitting in their own ways.  We are blessed beyond reason and I hope each of my babies, earthbound and Heavenbound, know how much my soul aches for them to be together but more importantly, how much my love for them can reach beyond the moon and back.  

I knew a lot of my feelings just aren't ripe for words yet.  They will come in time.  And then I'll be back.

letters to Heaven...

As Keely's little brother, our first rainbow baby, begins to grasp that his big sister died, many questions have come.  You can see the lightbulb as he figures out what all of it means.  In doing so, he wrote Keely a letter, sealed the envelope and asked me to sent it to Heaven.

I explained that we couldn't send letters to Heaven the way we can send Christmas cards, but I thought people in Heaven could get the messages in our heart, kind of like God hears our prayers.  We talked about how God could take care of that.

We decided to put his still-sealed letter to the big sister he never got to know in her memory trunk.

Oh how I would love to know what it says...

An announcement

Our sweet little girl is a big sister, once again.  We're expecting our 5th little blessing next summer.

After a prenatal loss, there is always fear that comes along with pregnancy.  But, more than fear, there is hope.  And our hopes are high.

Watch over your brother or sister, Keely  <3 p="p">

at least 40 newly bereaved parents in minutes...

Yesterday, in a kindergarten classroom, 20 beautiful young souls lost their lives in unthinkable tragedy.  

Today, their parents are likely watching the sunrise on one of the darkest days of their lives; the first day without their beloved child.  

My heart breaks into a thousand pieces for them.  How quickly life can, and does, change.  Yesterday, they ate breakfast and sent their loved ones off to school.  For the last time.

It's hard to even wrap one's mind around it.  It's unfathomable.

All that can be said has been said.  My heart is with Sandy Hook Elementary's victim's parents, whose lives will never, never be the same.  I, along with much of the country, held my children close throughout the night, unable to shake the unshakable after hearing the unthinkable.  

There just are no words.

"Weep with those who weep."  Romans 12:15

Nearer, Still Nearer

"Nearer, still nearer, close to Thy heart,
Draw me, my Savior—so precious Thou art!

Fold me, oh, fold me close to Thy breast.
Shelter me safe in that “Haven of Rest”;
Shelter me safe in that “Haven of Rest.”

Nearer, still nearer, nothing I bring,
Naught as an offering to Jesus, my King;
Only my sinful, now contrite heart.
Grant me the cleansing Thy blood doth impart.
Grant me the cleansing Thy blood doth impart.

Nearer, still nearer, Lord, to be Thine!
Sin, with its follies, I gladly resign,
All of its pleasures, pomp and its pride,
Give me but Jesus, my Lord, crucified.
Give me but Jesus, my Lord, crucified.

Nearer, still nearer, while life shall last.
Till safe in glory my anchor is cast;
Through endless ages ever to be
Nearer, my Savior, still nearer to Thee;
Nearer, my Savior, still nearer to Thee!"

Everyday, my girl, nearer to you in the arms of the Lord...