letter to Heaven

Missing you so deeply tonight, my girl. Please keep watch over your brothers and help us to know you hear it when we ring your chimes at night and each morning. You're constantly on our minds and in our hearts. Keely, you're so very, very missed and loved even more. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

a big sister again

Keely became a big sister again last month to a 10 lb 12 oz baby brother. We will teach him about her. He will know her name, her face, her importance. He was born in the same hospital as Keely, the same hospital we got to hold her, the same hospital that has a memorial garden where her stepping stone will be set on her birthday this year.

The big brothers proudly wore their shirts and held up the matching shirt (with her name, to be made into a teddy bear) for the big sister.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breathe away."

just a verse

Psalm 139:9-10

I'm thankful for you, Keely

I'm thankful for every second I got to spend with you growing in my belly.

I'm thankful for all you've taught and continue to teach your brothers.

I'm thankful for the time I got to spend holding you and memorizing your beautiful face.

I'm thankful I got to see the final beats of your heart.

I'm thankful your daddy has a little girl.

I'm thankful you continue to grow; just in our hearts.

I'm thankful for you.

Though I wish her chair wasn't empty this Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for every bit of her life and beyond.

XOXO

Keely's new book

We have a little bookshelf for Keely that sits next to the trunk that holds all her things. Each year for Christmas, my parents get her a new book in her stocking (so the stocking's not empty) that we put in her shelves (it also has little brother's book "Someone came before you" and big brother's book "We were going to have an baby but got an angel instead"). When the boys have questions or we just need a minute 'with her', we can go to her shelf to read them. Last year, they put "God Gave Us Heaven", etc.

My mom was having a hard time finding the right one for this year so I did some searching and we ordered "I see the moon" by Kathi Appelt and it came in today. It's just perfect. Gorgeous illustrations, adorable story. Definitely a tearjerker but in a good way. The little girl in the illustrations even looks to be around 3 years old <3 Although Keely had blonde hair (and I'm thinking it probably would've stayed that way had she aged). The last page is about God bringing her home safely.

Here's a link that has excerpts and you can see the gorgeous illustrations: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802852262/sr=8-1/qid=1288304709/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1288304709&sr=8-1&seller=#_

for every negative comment, there is a positive one

I was bothered Wednesday by my admissions appointment at the hospital. Yesterday, with my boys at the bookstore they made friends with a little guy playing at the train table. The little boy's aunt was very friendly and was chatting it up with my boys and myself. She asked their names, they told her. After that, Boston speaks up with "and we're going to have a Beckham soon!". The kind stranger said she loved the name and was very sweet to my oldest son as he went on to say with one finger pointed in the air "and don't forget about Keely!". To this,

she replied "oh, who's Keely?"
my son said "our sister"
when she said "and how old is your sister?"

I spoke up here as my son continued to play and said "she would've been 3"
my son added "she's in Heaven!"

The stranger sweetly smiled and didn't skiip a beat while saying "Wow, you have a special angel watching over you!"

My son offered up an enthusiastic "YUP!" :)


Made.My.Day.

When these situations arise, and there is no reasonable moment to slip in her name, all my insides are screaming "there are more of us!!!!" but I only bring it into the coversation when the opportunity presents itself. I try to tell myself if my oldest children were in school or at home or a friend's house, I wouldn't feel the need to tell people where they are or explain that not all of my children are with me right now. So I only mention her when someone asks how many and the conversation continues. I NEED people to know about her. Not many got to meet her but many know of her. Those who do are lucky :)

I was so grateful that Keely's big brother could step up and tell people of her, just as proud as he is of his living brothers. The things he can accomplish astound me. My children amaze me so much everyday; their bond with each other (even the ones that expand beyond this life, this earth) and how much they can teach one another.

A good day.
XOXO

ouch...

I just returned home from my pre-admission appointment with the hospital. It went pretty well. This is my 4th baby born at that hospital; I'm pretty good at it by now ;)

That said, here's how a portion of our meeting went:

admissions lady: "So how many children do you have?"
me: "This is baby #4"
admissions lady: "Are they girls or boys?"
me: "Boy, Girl, Boy and this one's a boy"

Several minutes and several questions later...

admissions lady: "How many pregnancies?"
me: "4 with one uncomfirmed {by a hospital} loss"
admissions lady: "so no confirmed miscarriages"
me: "well, our daughter was born still"
admissions lady: "so 5 confirmed pregnancies"
me: "no, my daughter's stillbirth is included in our 4 children"

At this time, she went back to where she'd marked "__2__ boys __1__ girls" and scratched out the 1 and put a 0.

Just like that, she erased Keely from our family on paper :(
You would think a hospital (one with a great bereavement program at that!)would have a better procedure for this situation. You can mark whatever box you'd like, lady, but we have 1 girl and 3 boys. End of story.