random Wednesday thoughts

I'm not sure where this post might be going but I felt the need to write today. We had the Walk to Remember last Saturday. While I couldn't go on the actual walk because of modified bedrest, I got to sit in the "garden of peace" at the hospital where Keely was (and the rest of my children were) born. It truly was a place of peace. I was visited by a single white butterfly and the beauty of the day was all encompassing. My spirit was lifted and I look forward to the possibility of taking Beckham there before we leave the hospital after his birth.

Being a parent to a deceased child is a hard job; few would argue with that. There are many tears, many "what if"s, many "should have been"s and a continuous fight to keep that memory alive in others. But there is a lighter side. There is goodness in every life that graces this world, no matter how quickly it moves on. There is pride, joy and more love than imaginable as a parent, whether your child is living or passed on. There are still stories to tell; not as many as we'd like but they are there.

I don't know what's pressuring me from inside to talk about Keely's life and death so much lately- maybe it's the upcoming birth of another little brother of her's, maybe it's that it's October, maybe it's the feeling that others' ('friends' at one time) grief or even tolerance for grief has run dry. It could be that my current state has made me unable to visit her grave (an hours drive away) as much as I'd like to or as I'm used to, maybe it's the fact that that internal pressure is always there but the energy to explore it isn't. Whatever the reason, I'm here. Writing. I'm Keely's mommy. Keely's gone from this earth now, but she's so much more than gone. Does that even make sense? It does in my head so I'm going with it.

In loving memory of my Keely
XOXO

October 15th

Today is October 15th.

Most in the bereavement community have been looking forward to this day with both excitement and dread. A day to share your story, your child with all the world to be rememebered. A day to connect with other bereaved families and remember their children. A day to reflect and look forward.

Also a day to MISS, like every other day, but this day look around and realize how many MISSed children there are. A day to shed a tear for them. A day to shed a tear for the families that love them so and ache for them daily. A day to think of how many families will join us next year, but have no idea this year.

We are at a point in our journey that many of our friends have moved on and expect us to have done the same. They don't understand that while we can move forward, we will not move on. Our children are as much a part of us as if they were living still. I can take this day, this month, to soak up the community that I have in other bereaved mothers, in the MISS Foundation and otherwise that know the journey. We will hold each other up, educate those that don't understand and remember with love and gratitude all that our children continue to show us daily.

XOXO

October 1st

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. An awareness that the bereaved live with daily and share with the world for the month of October. To celebrate, cherish every moment you have, remember every moment you had.

Missing my sweet Keely today and everyday.

One of my favorite quotes:
"Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine" ~line from a song in Dumbo

so cliche, so true

"It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved."

So very true. I wouldn't give up one second of the 22w3d we had with our girl or any of the millions of seconds since she's been in our lives.

I guess there's a reason those old sayings stick around.

even from Heaven, little sisters can annoy their brothers

We just returned from a trail at a local park. The entire time we were there (3 hours) a big black butterfly with blue on it fluttered around my oldest son's face. Butterfly was essentially annoying him to no end. He told me he was pretty sure it was Keely ::giggles::

XOXO

good grief

I always cringe a little when I see a mainstream article on grief, especially one where the focus is on celebrities. I immediately get defensive and prepare for what seems inevitable "how they got over it", "how they moved on" and the like. I'm sure that the grieving person, celebrity or not, is cringing right along with me. I have yet to meet a bereaved person who has gotten over it. Learned to live with it? Yes. Found ways to cope? Yes. Found ways to hide it from people who seem uncomfortable? Yup.

But this article was a pleasant surprise; focusing on how very normal grieving behavior is even when it doesn't seem like it to the non-bereaved. This article isn't specific to child loss and while I do feel that burying a child adds another layer of the mourning process, grief is grief and most bereavement is misunderstood in mainstream society.

http://www.shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/the-way-we-grieve-now-2389801/

I've read that immense grief can exaggerate normal behaviors for some people and that was certainly true for me. I'm a list maker. Every morning, I have my to-do list. I've been itemizing, alphabetizing and ordering numerically Christmas lists since I could write. When Keely died, it was like some sick obsession. Lists for the funeral home, the hospital, her belongings, the photographs, lists for thank yous, for cards and gifts, for the cemetery and of course, a master list. I didn't think much of it at the time; it seemed healing for me to have tiny sort of control. I didn't think anyone else would notice my list-making. Sometime in the last 3 years, my mom and husband both admitted that they had noticed. I tell her goodnight everynight and ring the windchimes that were given to us from friends for her funeral; it's my way of saying hello. When I leave her grave, I kiss her headstone 4 times and rub the heart on the front. I've always felt that if someone could read my mind, I'd be committed. Now, 3.5 years on this journey, I realize that death is very much a part of {my} life. Most lives. And that's okay; it's a pretty important step!

I love seeing articles like this, that normalize what's actually normal behavior but may not feel like it or seem like it to outsiders.

XOXO

a big brother wise beyond his years

My 5 year old was the leader in his class today and had to give a presentation on his family to the rest of his classmates. He brought in photos for each family member: a photo of mommy, one of daddy, one of himself, one of his brother Callum, an ultrasound picture of brother Beckham and a photo of a butterfly (he wanted to bring a photo of her headstone too but I thought that might be too much to explain for a 5 year old). He also brought in a family picture where I'm pregnant and wearing Keely's necklace and our dog is in it (the whole family).

He carefully explained to them that this isn't a picture of his sister, but she's in Heaven and has wings so we think of her when we see a butterfly. He explained that he got to hold her and she would be 3 years old now "if she didn't live with Jesus". One of the other children giggled and said "your sister's a butterfly?!?" and he calmly replied "No, she's an angel" very matter of factly.

He has so impressed me with his wisdom and calm nature and the way he can keep his sister 'alive' in a way only a big brother can. It absolutely made my day.

I have to add, as well, that his teacher was great about it. She asked me some questions about it and didn't get weird or awkward at all. I'm glad it's all out there, so there isn't any confusion if/when he talks about her.

One of his little buddies said "I have a sister you can't see too, because she's in school" So maybe no great lessons were learned but he did great and I'm proud of him for including his entire family on his own terms.