good grief

I always cringe a little when I see a mainstream article on grief, especially one where the focus is on celebrities. I immediately get defensive and prepare for what seems inevitable "how they got over it", "how they moved on" and the like. I'm sure that the grieving person, celebrity or not, is cringing right along with me. I have yet to meet a bereaved person who has gotten over it. Learned to live with it? Yes. Found ways to cope? Yes. Found ways to hide it from people who seem uncomfortable? Yup.

But this article was a pleasant surprise; focusing on how very normal grieving behavior is even when it doesn't seem like it to the non-bereaved. This article isn't specific to child loss and while I do feel that burying a child adds another layer of the mourning process, grief is grief and most bereavement is misunderstood in mainstream society.

http://www.shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/the-way-we-grieve-now-2389801/

I've read that immense grief can exaggerate normal behaviors for some people and that was certainly true for me. I'm a list maker. Every morning, I have my to-do list. I've been itemizing, alphabetizing and ordering numerically Christmas lists since I could write. When Keely died, it was like some sick obsession. Lists for the funeral home, the hospital, her belongings, the photographs, lists for thank yous, for cards and gifts, for the cemetery and of course, a master list. I didn't think much of it at the time; it seemed healing for me to have tiny sort of control. I didn't think anyone else would notice my list-making. Sometime in the last 3 years, my mom and husband both admitted that they had noticed. I tell her goodnight everynight and ring the windchimes that were given to us from friends for her funeral; it's my way of saying hello. When I leave her grave, I kiss her headstone 4 times and rub the heart on the front. I've always felt that if someone could read my mind, I'd be committed. Now, 3.5 years on this journey, I realize that death is very much a part of {my} life. Most lives. And that's okay; it's a pretty important step!

I love seeing articles like this, that normalize what's actually normal behavior but may not feel like it or seem like it to outsiders.

XOXO

a big brother wise beyond his years

My 5 year old was the leader in his class today and had to give a presentation on his family to the rest of his classmates. He brought in photos for each family member: a photo of mommy, one of daddy, one of himself, one of his brother Callum, an ultrasound picture of brother Beckham and a photo of a butterfly (he wanted to bring a photo of her headstone too but I thought that might be too much to explain for a 5 year old). He also brought in a family picture where I'm pregnant and wearing Keely's necklace and our dog is in it (the whole family).

He carefully explained to them that this isn't a picture of his sister, but she's in Heaven and has wings so we think of her when we see a butterfly. He explained that he got to hold her and she would be 3 years old now "if she didn't live with Jesus". One of the other children giggled and said "your sister's a butterfly?!?" and he calmly replied "No, she's an angel" very matter of factly.

He has so impressed me with his wisdom and calm nature and the way he can keep his sister 'alive' in a way only a big brother can. It absolutely made my day.

I have to add, as well, that his teacher was great about it. She asked me some questions about it and didn't get weird or awkward at all. I'm glad it's all out there, so there isn't any confusion if/when he talks about her.

One of his little buddies said "I have a sister you can't see too, because she's in school" So maybe no great lessons were learned but he did great and I'm proud of him for including his entire family on his own terms.

letters to Heaven

My Keely~
I just needed to say your name today, sweet girl. Not a second goes by that you aren't on our minds and felt at our side. Loving and missing you so very much.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Mama

i saw her in my dream

I have very vivid dreams and can remember them {most nights} in great detail. Sometimes, that's good. Sometimes, very bad. Last night, it was good. Very good.

It was a short dream; just long enough to make me smile though. Keely was in our house, the age she would be now if she'd survived (3 years old). She had hair much like our son Callum; blonde and straight though hers was slightly darker than her little brother's. She had pale skin and dark under eyes, like her older brother and mommy both do. She was barefoot and wearing a little sundress; white with pink flowers on it. She didn't say anything to me, but motioned me down the hallway after her, grinning.

My mind is playing tricks on me now. Is that what she would've looked like? Walked like? Smiled like? I will never know for sure, but I do like a little peek of what might've been.

XOXO

22w3d

We have made it past that fateful day in this pregnancy. 22w3d was how far along we were when we went in to the OB, only to watch Keely's heart start strong and then slowly fade away into silence. Every ultrasound, I can't help but think of that one. We are SO very lucky to have gotten to see those final beats of her heart; I feel that is a special gift we were given.

And now we are making Keely a big sister yet again, to another baby brother. And we've passed that milestone in this subsequent pregnancy but not without some complications. I've had some bleeding and a shortening cervix so I've been put on some restrictions and a higher watch level. There are times I'm optimisitic and times I'm scared out of my mind. Today is a scared day.

I think back to the time I spent pregnant with Keely, completely unaware of how our lives were about to change and the clock was ticking on us ever so silently. That innocent time of pregnancy is gone to me, despite many around me feeling that we're "normal" now. If only!

I know how lucky we are to have our living children. I know how lucky we are to have Keely. I know how lucky we are. I also know that life will never be the same, in both good ways and in sad.

So as we limp along in pregnancy, aching for December to bring a healthy, screaming baby into our arms, we can think back to our time with Keely and be so very grateful.

XOXO

quotes I love

"Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch. To love, to hope, to dream, and oh, to lose. A thing for fools this, but a Holy thing, to love what death can touch." ~ Judah Halevi, 12th Century

time slips by quickly

Though much time has passed that I haven't blogged, not a moment goes by without Keely on my mind. Thought of, spoken of, loved and remembered daily. Always.

XOXO