letters to Heaven

My Keely~
I just needed to say your name today, sweet girl. Not a second goes by that you aren't on our minds and felt at our side. Loving and missing you so very much.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Mama

i saw her in my dream

I have very vivid dreams and can remember them {most nights} in great detail. Sometimes, that's good. Sometimes, very bad. Last night, it was good. Very good.

It was a short dream; just long enough to make me smile though. Keely was in our house, the age she would be now if she'd survived (3 years old). She had hair much like our son Callum; blonde and straight though hers was slightly darker than her little brother's. She had pale skin and dark under eyes, like her older brother and mommy both do. She was barefoot and wearing a little sundress; white with pink flowers on it. She didn't say anything to me, but motioned me down the hallway after her, grinning.

My mind is playing tricks on me now. Is that what she would've looked like? Walked like? Smiled like? I will never know for sure, but I do like a little peek of what might've been.

XOXO

22w3d

We have made it past that fateful day in this pregnancy. 22w3d was how far along we were when we went in to the OB, only to watch Keely's heart start strong and then slowly fade away into silence. Every ultrasound, I can't help but think of that one. We are SO very lucky to have gotten to see those final beats of her heart; I feel that is a special gift we were given.

And now we are making Keely a big sister yet again, to another baby brother. And we've passed that milestone in this subsequent pregnancy but not without some complications. I've had some bleeding and a shortening cervix so I've been put on some restrictions and a higher watch level. There are times I'm optimisitic and times I'm scared out of my mind. Today is a scared day.

I think back to the time I spent pregnant with Keely, completely unaware of how our lives were about to change and the clock was ticking on us ever so silently. That innocent time of pregnancy is gone to me, despite many around me feeling that we're "normal" now. If only!

I know how lucky we are to have our living children. I know how lucky we are to have Keely. I know how lucky we are. I also know that life will never be the same, in both good ways and in sad.

So as we limp along in pregnancy, aching for December to bring a healthy, screaming baby into our arms, we can think back to our time with Keely and be so very grateful.

XOXO

quotes I love

"Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch. To love, to hope, to dream, and oh, to lose. A thing for fools this, but a Holy thing, to love what death can touch." ~ Judah Halevi, 12th Century

time slips by quickly

Though much time has passed that I haven't blogged, not a moment goes by without Keely on my mind. Thought of, spoken of, loved and remembered daily. Always.

XOXO

a delicate few

There are moments in your life that you want desperately to remember. With every thread of being in you, you want to capture every color, every smell, every sound in the eye of your memory. They are the moments you look back on and recall with great detail; defining moments of your life.

There are moments in your life that haunt you when you close your eyes to sleep. Moments that creep into your dreams and turn them to nightmares that you've already lived. Moments you try with every bit of you to forget, willing away the horrible feeling you had in you at that time. They are moments forever etched in your memory, however unwillingly they may be; defining moments of your life.

Then there are a few memories that are a delicate balance of both. Memories that defined who you are from that moment on. Memories that pain you to remember and pain you to forget.

My bittersweet defining moment was closing the casket. A relatively quiet moment, just my husband and living son at the funeral home, saying our final goodbye to the body that once held the soul of our little girl. A body that desperately needed to rest, earth time having taken its toll. A body that I desperately wanted to keep, willing that heart to beat again.

"I smell the blizzard in the air, winter's bitter love affair" OAR, delicate few

a day for mothers

Yesterday was a day colored in bittersweet, like most all special days of our family because one member is missing. I was given a gift by my Keely, though.

In church, we sang "Near to the heart of God". We sang that song at Keely's graveside at her funeral and it will always hold a special place in my heart. I sang the first two verses proudly and on the third, out of nowhere, I burst into tears. I'll take that song as my special mother's day present from my girl.

XOXO