Mourning's Light

one more goodbye

2012-02-16T14:45:00.001-08:00

After 5 years, many, many beautiful souls and countless incredible moments, I have decided to resign from the bereavement photography organization I joined shortly after Keely's death. I served as area coordinator and a photographer for those 5 years and have been lucky enough to encounter some truly amazing families and spend time with beautiful little souls, whose time on earth was far too short.

I will continue my work on bereavement paintings in Keely's honor.

In loving memory

XOXO

a coincidence or a sweet hello...

2012-02-10T10:14:00.000-08:00

And I choose to believe the latter :)

Yesterday, as I perused etsy.com for shirts for my sons to go to Disney World in the spring, etsy thought I might also like a little embroidered shirt with a leopard print Minnie Mouse outline, pink polka dot bow and the child's name across the bottom, matching the bow.

The sample name on the shirt read "Keely"

<3 <3 <3

A coincidence yes, but also a sweet reminder of what might've been. She would've just turned 5 when we'll be going. But her mouse ears (that we got with her name last time) will sit on the shelf, unused.

Thank you for the hello, little girl!

half a decade, this spring

2012-01-27T15:24:00.000-08:00

I am getting my spring plans ready. Two birthdays to plan, Easter, vacation, spring break, etc, etc. In doing so, I wanted to make sure my husband put in the dates he'd like to be off to spend some extra time together as a family.

One of those days is, of course, Keely's birthday. We always do a celebration of her life at the cemetery, sending balloons with messages to Heaven. This year, she would've been 5 years old. Getting ready to start kindergarten, just after her big brother, so grown up. It's been nearly 5 years since we saw her sweet blue eyes. Would they have even stayed blue? Here we are, half a decade later...those same unanswered questions hang in the air, the same pangs of heartache still sting. 5 years just seems so long.

But every moment that takes us farther from having held her takes us closer to holding her again.

a few lines, left unfinished

2012-01-25T04:15:00.000-08:00

I'm a list-maker. Maybe that's an understatement. I'm an obsessive list-maker. I have a list every morning for that day, a list for the week, a list for the month. I make lists for every event I plan (birthday parties, Christmas, etc). That's how I stay organized and in control.

Sometimes, I find it interesting to keep my lists if they've been for something important in life. I find it interesting later to see what I found most important to remember. Or more important not to forget.

But this isn't about list-making. In looking back over the lists I made for our move late last year, I found a little snippet of a poem I wrote. Just four little lines, left unfinished. I remember writing them. I remember being "stuck". No other words could help those four little lines. Nothing else could help me explain myself or made sense to go along. I was too busy with our move to express myself more thoroughly.

"so for now I'll look within me

and exhale a heavy sigh,

and accept a bitter silence

from loved ones who didn't die."

That's it. I could come up with nothing before and nothing after. I don't quite remember what prompted those words but I do know there are lonely moments in grief. At least they feel lonely. The unfortunate truth is that there is always someone on that sad journey with you but it doesn't always feel that way. Often, it's the person in the same room as you but it's too big a burden to bring it up. Sometimes the silence is out of their own tiresome grief or out of fear of hurting you deeper. Sometimes the silence isn't about forgetting but about remembering too clearly. Often, when I have those thoughts that loved ones important to me here on earth have moved on and I feel sad about it, I feel compelled to make sure it's known that my blessings are counted. I know how very lucky I am, even in moments of sadness. I often feel I have to make sure everybody knows that. But moments of sadness don't make one weak or ungrateful. Moments of sadness make one human. And heartbroken. And a full heart can still be broken.

A heart so full of love and gratitude can still feel loss and hurt. It can still long for and miss those whose physical presence has moved on. Is that another step in this process? Understanding that?

Regardless, I wanted to record those lines somewhere because they deserve remembrance too. Even the grateful, even the blessed have moments of utter loneliness. Even the fullest hearts feel broken. Love is unique to each loved one and so is grief.

a prayer of a 6 year old

2012-01-09T15:17:00.000-08:00

In the midst of my oldest son's prayers two nights ago, I hear...

"and, Dear God, I pray that my whole family can be together someday in Heaven. It's really too bad Keely can't come to Disney World with us; I really think she'd like it."

My heart simultaneously burst with pride and heartbreak.

XOXO

saying goodbye and saying hello

2011-12-30T15:22:00.000-08:00

Ringing out the old year and in with the new, but bringing the memory of our loved ones gone before in new ways, in ways we don't fully understand, in ways we haven't before. But, they are with us.

Wishing everyone missing someone a gentle, peaceful and even happy new year.

"Bring unto the sorrowing

All release from pain;
Let the lips of laughter
Overflow again" ~ James Whitcomb Riley

couch jumpers!

2011-12-29T13:26:00.001-08:00

The more time that passes, the harder it is to picture what Keely might look like if she were alive today. It gets harder to mould that almost 2 lb girl's face into that of a 4 year old and guess how she might fit in with her brothers, how they might quarrel or how they might snuggle up for a movie.

Just now, I was able to picture it. For the first time in a long time, I could picture a 4 year old girl, in jammies like her brothers, acting silly and getting into mischief with them. I could picture her blonde hair falling into a mess over her face as she jumps on the couch until they finally hear me calling to them.

A completely fabricated vision and yet, in it, I find peace. Millions of what ifs in a day, still. Always. And always still, peace because I know she's at peace.

a little girl's Christmas

2011-12-09T13:07:00.000-08:00

We always choose to honor Keely at the holidays by sponsoring a little girl the age Keely would've been this year.

4 years old. Too grown for baby toys. Specific interests, likes, dislikes, a personality we'll never know. It was harder this year than I remember it being. I chose a sparkly pink sweater dress and sparkly shoes. Would she like those things? Would she be more of a tomboy? She'd have to be kind of tough to hang out with her brothers ;) Or they'd be her protectors. I was drawn to the little girl asking for dinosaurs because she most certainly would've been forced to play dinos, even if just a little. After looking through the Barbie aisle, they seemed too grown up for a 4 year old so her baby brother helped me pick out a fairy doll. Perfect.

Some little girl somewhere will open those gifts Christmas morning and I hope they are her taste and that she's excited and feels the magic of Christmas that my little girl never got to see. Meanwhile, my little girl will be remembered and missed and enjoying Heaven until we get there. We'll be experiencing the joy and magic of Christmas while experiencing the pain of an absence. Life is not fair but it is beautiful and fleeting, another lesson our girl sends home.

Wishing gentle holidays to anyone missing someone. XOXO

"The presence of her absence is everywhere"

Where I've been...

2011-11-29T11:21:00.000-08:00

I have been very absent from the blog, but of course, Keely is never off my mind.

We've moved. We've moved from the home she "lived" in. We've moved from the home we grieved in, in those early, darkest hours. We've left the town she was born and died in, the doctors who cared for her, her name on the brick outside the hospital.

It's been far more emotional than I could've imagined, though I knew it would be hard. It's something that's right for our family. If Keely were alive, she'd be nervous and excited as her brothers are. We've put up Christmas decorations, her stocking, her things. We've brought her with us, but it's hard leaving those places too.

We've decorated her grave (we're still about an hour from her grave, just in a different direction now) for Christmas. Beautiful white, sparkly tree and white sparkly wreath on her purple shepherd's hook, which wouldn't be complete without a pink butterfly too.

This has been a hard year for the family. My grandmother, then 6 weeks later my grandfather, both called Home. Greeted by a great granddaughter. I miss them all dearly. The holidays, while lit up with the sweet faces of my living children, are still missing the light of those gone on before us. Someday we'll understand.

XOXO

a bit of good news!

2011-09-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

The cemetery sold! The man who purchased it/took it over/whatever is doing it as a labor of love. He's using the fall to repair where vandalism took place and mowing and weeding before cold weather sets in. Then in the spring, his plans are to replace some of the old roads with brick walking paths and add a gazebo and gathering fountain. He has also promised that no one helping will be arrested :)

Hallelujah!

lots to write but not much to say

2011-09-16T03:59:00.000-07:00

My husband left early for work today; before the boys and the sun were awake. The baby and I woke up with him, to have breakfast together and see him off. Now, as the baby nurses back to sleep, I am taking in the quiet of the house. I hear the constant buzz of the ceiling fans and the occasional roll of one of the boys asleep in bed.

The changing of the seasons, the upcoming birth of a new nephew and even the still of the house make me think of Keely and how she'd fit into this puzzle were she still living.

There is an on-going battle with the caretaker (and I'm using the term VERY loosely) of the cemetery. There are hundreds of graves there and all have been horribly neglected while he continues to collect perpetual care funds along with a tacky and insulting "collections" box for donations at the entrance. On top of that he has threatened to have anyone mowing or pulling weeds at their loved ones' graves ARRESTED. Can you imagine??

"What are you in for?"

"Mowing the grass at my daughter's grave."

"........"

Street cred!

Not much more to say on that. We are continuing to mow the grass and pull the weeds. I'm guessing/hoping the police department will be busy with other things.

xoxo

what i want the world to know..

2011-09-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

I saw a question posed today about bereavement... What would I want people to know about the my journey in grief.

The answer, to me, is quite simple: that Keely is in every thought, every breath, just like each of my children I'm lucky enough to still hold. She is still a member of our family, part of every day of our lives and one more thing... we love to hear her name.

XOXO

The Big See... this is going to be a long one!

2011-08-23T04:39:00.002-07:00

The Big C is a Showtime series in its second season. I was a fan from the very beginning, watched the premiere and every episode since. It follows the life of a middle-ish aged woman and all the quirky people in her life after her diagnosis of Stage IV melanoma. Despite the description, it's a comedy and a comedy that is pulled off quite well.

I became nervous upon seeing the teaser last week for this week's: the lead character's over the top "crazy" brother (who throughout the first season chose to be homeless and unemployed in order to decrease his carbon footprint) and the woman carrying his child (the lead character's self-absorbed long time friend) experience a miscarriage at 18 weeks gestation after finding out they were carrying a girl.

Of course there would be nerves about watching an experience close to our own play out and all the feelings it might conjure up, but more than that, I was concerned with how an "early" loss would be depicted. I was right to be concerned. Though Keely was 22w3d when she died, I loved her just the same 5 weeks earlier. Have you ever heard of a parent that loved their child slightly less the day before? Unlikely.

A lot of it I was expecting. The phrase "It wasn't even a person" stung but wasn't unexpected.

What was both hurtful and fascinating was how Sean (lead character's brother and grieving father) showed his grief. He went "off his meds" and was, therefore, acting "crazy"....

Crazy, to them, is planning and having a funeral (albeit an over the top one, complete with sushi bar and photo booth). Crazy to them is publicly complaining about how society doesn't respect these little lives (and I've already read one naive blogger's argument that that isn't true. oh please.) He even got his child's name tattooed on him (though it was on his tush). What does it say about me that I have a whole lot in common with the crazy one?

Well I believe it says that we do live in a society that doesn't appreciate life or understand bereavement and certainly doesn't respect grief.

But nonetheless, it got someone's mental wheels spinning on bereavement and as they say, no publicity is bad publicity.

The highlight for me of last night's episode was the eulogy that this baby's life had in fact, touched many in various ways and if those characters were real people, they'd continue to be amazed for the rest of their lives at how one life could touch so many without their feet touching the earth.

XOXO

Day of Hope: Ask me anything!

2011-08-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

August 19th Day of Hope: "People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters. August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives."

http://august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com/

In honor of this day, ask me anything. Is there a question you have about bereavement or stillbirth? Is there something left unsaid about Keely? One thing I've found in common with many, many, MANY other bereaved parents is the desire to talk about their children; that desire doesn't diminish with time but people willing to listen does. Take this day to ask a question...of me, of another bereaved parent, of Google even. Or all three. Grief isn't one size fits all so you might be surprised by the differences in answers and you might make someone's day.

XOXO

what to say, what to say

2011-08-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a somber summer. A summer of goodbyes and of remembrances. And, as always, life must continue. I don't really have a coherent post put together in my head, which is ironic because I spend much time on my daily runs authoring often lengthy posts on life and grief and just as my fingers hit the keyboard..........what was I talking about?

My parents brought back souvenirs for my kids after visiting Walt Disney World. I can always count on them to spoil my babies the way a Nana and Poppy should. With them, Keely is never forgotten. Whether it's a decoration for her grave or something for her shelf or memory trunk, it's something. This time, they brought a sparkly bracelet, full of colors and the magic of Mickey. It spurred a bittersweet conversation between my husband and myself. Is that what they might've brought back if she were alive? I thought it possible while my husband felt she might've been more of a tomboy (also possible given her surroundings ;) ) Oh what might have been...

XOXO

one missing on vacation...

2011-07-18T06:42:00.000-07:00

Loving, missing, remembering always.

she came to play...

2011-06-18T07:43:00.000-07:00

As our middle son (Keely's baby brother) was drifting off to sleep last night, he said "I hope 'Teely' comes to play with me again" So I asked him if she came before and he said "Yes, she tries to play me...lots at Nannie's {my mom} house" <3 <3 <3

Maybe it's his 3 year old mind wandering, but maybe, just maybe.

another goodbye, for now...

2011-06-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

My beloved Gramps has gone to be with my Marney and my Keely. He died peacefully, in his sleep in the dark of night. Another unexpected goodbye.

It's so strange that when your child dies, it can feel at times that her life was a dream. I have to remind myself that it really happened. My child really was here. She really died.

When someone that has been a part of life since my own birth day dies, the death feels like a dream. I have to remind myself of the reality that he is gone.

So suddenly and so final. So familiar.

My Gramps, who taught me magic tricks and a positive outlook, how to bake persimmon pudding and drive a tractor, who now is reunited with my Marney and met Keely. My Gramps, so very missed.

comfort in connections

2011-05-29T17:38:00.000-07:00

When my Nana passed away earlier this month, I looked through thousands of photos to put in a memorial slideshow. I found significant comfort in one of them. On Keely's birthday in 2009, what would've been her 2nd birthday, we all wrote messages on a card to her, attached them to balloons and let them sail away to Heaven. Before we released them, though, I photographed them...

"Dear Keely,

I look forward to meeting you in your heavenly home. I know both my sisters are there- Marney & Rusie- to keep you company till I get to join you.

Love, Your Great Nana"

seconds in Heaven...

2011-05-29T17:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't been sure where to record this. It's something not well understood and quite often met with skepticism, even from me. There are some things we just aren't meant to know (so says Deut. 29:29) and I consider understanding a direct connection in this physical world to the other side one of those things. I *want* to believe seeing Keely in my dreams is a little visit with her, a glimpse of her. Sometimes it might be, then other times maybe just a dream. All the same, I want to remember them. In the end, I want to remember this so I'm here, recording it.

My Nana came to my mother in a dream {if you'll recall, my Nana passed away last month}. She excitedly told her of Heaven, how she wished she'd come sooner; knowing real joy. She also told her to tell me not to say LIVING children anymore {I'll sometimes refer to my living children as that in order to include all of them besides Keely for whatever reason}. She said "Keely's LIVING, really LIVING". It brought on a rush of emotions, not the least of which was chills and gratitude. What a gift to have, even for a moment, a glimpse. Someday we'll understand...

"The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law."

missing more...

2011-05-13T16:16:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow it will have been a week since watching my Nana's earthly life end, a week since she met my girl face to face. I feel so lucky to have that link to the other side. Lucky my girl met my Nana on the shore. Lucky my Nana will rock her until I can. So lucky and in a worldly sense, missing so very much. Life can be so short and so long all at once.

greet your Great Nana at the gates, little girl

2011-05-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

Keely greeted my Nana this afternoon on the shore of Heaven. I find myself thinking of my Great Grandmother, Eula. A mother of 5: a stillborn boy, my beloved Marney who died in 1991 at the age of 75, Riley who died in 1927 at the age of 7, Ruth who died in 1986 at the age of 62 and my Nana Helen who passed through the gates today at age 83. For the first time, Eula has all her children together. What a joyful reunion it must be.

"when the saints get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be."

just one

2011-04-25T06:47:00.000-07:00

from her party...

visions of Keely

2011-04-25T05:58:00.000-07:00

Last week I had a dream that I needed to let settle in my head before I spoke about it. It really got me thinking and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

In it, Keely was about 4 years old; the age she'd be now. All three of her brothers were here as well, all the ages they'd be as well. My whole family was together. But it wasn't the dream I usually picture because in it, Keely was dying. She had cancer and we knew she was dying. That was the whole dream. Very simple but very vivid. I could smell the hospital even after I woke up. I knew the design on her hospital gown, the colors in the room. I knew the thoughts going through my head in the dream.

This dream has had my mind in knots. What I wouldn't give to have my family together!! I'd love for my sons to know their sister in an earthly way. I'd love to hear her voice, her laugh. I'd love to have her eyes look back into mine. I'd love even 4 years together...

But I know how selfish that is. I don't want her scared or in pain or who knows what else a family would go through when a child dies after you're used to waking up with or opening presents Christmas morning with them. I know she's happy and dancing in Heaven. It's us left that mourn and while we can't truly understand it now, this life is temporary.

On a similar note, I think my niece has a gift. A gift I fear she may outgrow one day so I'm recording these little glimpses now while I can. My niece is going to be 4 this summer. My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. Keely and her cousin were about 6 weeks apart. Her Daddy went to sit next to her on the couch and she said "No Daddy, you can't sit there. The girl is there." very matter of factly. She then went on to issue an extensive apology to 'the girl' on her daddy's behalf ;) So her daddy asked her about the girl. "She has yellow hair and green eyes." He asked her name. "Mommy, Stephanie." I find this particularly remarkable as Keely is named for my two sisters; their middle names. I have no reason to believe my niece would know this about her Mommy and our other sister (who ALWAYS goes by Steph or a nickname, never Stephanie). A few minutes later, she said "okay, you can sit there now, the girl went to sit with her Mommy."

Like we got a little glimpse of Heaven, of our girl. I'm so grateful.

another birthday past

2011-04-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

We made it through her celebration and then through her birthday. It was a lovely celebration of a beautiful but short life. Pictures will come soon. The last milestone is the 14th, the day she was laid to rest.

11:20 am

2011-04-02T05:50:00.000-07:00

4 years.

a frenemy returns

2011-04-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

Frenemy: combination of a friend and an enemy.

My former constant companion the nightmare has returned, probably due to the looming dates on the calendar. An enemy because of the terror it can hold and a friend because I can wake up to know it was't real.

The worst nightmares are the ones you can't wake up from. Like any given night, life often contains both a dream and a nightmare and sometimes the dividing line gets blurred.

XOXO

the first of many lasts

2011-03-31T07:19:00.000-07:00

2 years ago I blogged about 2 years before that. http://mourningslight.blogspot.com/2009/03/two-years-ago-today-i-didnt-feel-right.html

That Thursday 4 years ago, I had no idea how life would change the next time I went in to see the doctor.

a happy update!

2011-03-31T06:58:00.000-07:00

I called the foundation handling the memorial bricks yesterday, not expecting much to come of it. They were unbelievable! Immediately, she got in touch with the man in charge of installation and he went out and put it in!! We went to see it last night; couldn't get too close because the gates were locked (maybe since the brick was 'setting') but I could see her name <3 She's right by the fountain; a front row seat!

I hope those people know how much it meant to me. I told them but I doubt they realize how they made my day. I'm going to pay it forward by using a kindness card today.

If you aren't familiar with kindness cards, check it out: http://missfoundation.org/kindness/index.html

It's a way I can feel good about someone reading Keely's name today.

XOXO

a change in plans

2011-03-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

That's the story of life, right? Just when you think you have something all squared away... not so fast, lady! You would think I'd know this by now.

As tradition, each year we honor Keely's angelversary by visiting her grave and laying fresh roses down or throwing rose petals into the wind at the cemetery, just our little family. We also make sure a candle is lit at 11:20 am, the time of her passing. It's an emotional day and the anticipation is as bad as and sometimes worse than the day itself. The mental preparation begins much in advance. This year, I had been preparing for something different. To honor Keely's life, we purchased a brick with her name and dates to be set at the 'garden of peace' at the hospital where she was born. It was to be laid last week. Unfortunately, we visited there last night and no brick :(

I spoke with a woman from the foundation this morning and she was terribly sweet and helpful, putting a call into the man in charge of laying the bricks but my hopes aren't very high; low temps and snow/sleet the rest of the week will most likely keep any more from being set. So mental prep starts all over with a new vision in mind.

As a sidenote: how very, very, very different life was this day 4 years ago, before the storm. I had no idea.

the windows are open and memories flood in

2011-03-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

There have been some signs of spring. Those signs are fleeting for this midwestern family and it takes me back to the spring of Keely. I distinctly remember what I was wearing the day she died: a pink headwrap, long black fitted top, Hudson jeans and flip flops. That day was beautiful outside.

The day she was laid to rest was frigid. The wind whipped around us as we stood by her grave for prayers and songs. A light mist was falling that might've been mistaken for flurries at a glance.

Things change so quickly for a midwestern spring but how quickly a life can change course.

XOXO

ramblings nearly 4 years down the road

2011-03-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know if people have forgotten. I don't know if their allowance for my grief has worn thin or out completely. I don't know if they think I should be over it or, worse yet,that I am over it. I'll set the record straight: there's nothing to get over. You can't get over losing a child just like you can't get over having a child. It's nearly if not completely impossible to know what it is to lose a child if you haven't just as it's nearly if not completely impossible to know what it is to have a child.

In a perfect earth, people would either understand your grief or at the very least respect it, but in a perfect world, there would be no grief to understand.

Someday, someday.

"Oh they tell me of a home far beyond the skies..."

in the fury of the moment, I can see The Master's hand

2011-03-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

My Bob Dylan (yup, I'm laying claim), he can read my mind. I've loved this song since long before having children and even longer before burying one of them. But I see this song as a vivid description of grief and living after part of you dies. xoxo

In the time of my confession,
in the hour of my deepest need
When the pool of tears beneath my feet
flood every newborn seed
There's a dyin' voice within me
reaching out somewhere,
Toiling in the danger and in
the morals of despair.

Don't have the inclination to
look back on any mistake,
Like Cain,
I now behold this chain of events
that I must break.
In the fury of the moment
I can see the Master's hand
In every leaf that trembles,
in every grain of sand.

Oh, the flowers of indulgence
and the weeds of yesteryear,
Like criminals,
they have choked the breath
of conscience and good cheer.
The sun beat down upon the steps
of time to light the way
To ease the pain of idleness
and the memory of decay.

I gaze into the doorway of
temptation's angry flame
And every time I pass that way
I always hear my name.
Then onward in my journey
I come to understand
That every hair is numbered
like every grain of sand.

I have gone from rags to riches
in the sorrow of the night
In the violence of a summer's dream,
in the chill of a wintry light,
In the bitter dance of loneliness
fading into space,
In the broken mirror of innocence
on each forgotten face.

I hear the ancient footsteps like
the motion of the sea
Sometimes I turn, there's someone there,
other times it's only me.
I am hanging in the balance
of the reality of man
Like every sparrow falling,
like every grain of sand.

fear and peace

2011-03-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

Peace is a funny thing. I would say my life is peaceful. Peeking in our house at times, a stranger may not agree, but they can't see what I see.

I have 3 amazing living boys. Words cannot describe how much I love my 4 children; it's just this impossible, amazing, heart-wrenching, so deep in your soul it hurts kind of love. I have the honor of those children calling me, or knowing me, as their mother. I get to watch their lives begin, be a part of it all. With one, I've gotten to witness the end of that beautiful life on this earth. I've gotten to kiss 4 beautiful little foreheads, hold and rock 4 little newborn loves, sing each one a lullabye, read "our story" to each one. And though I only got to do those things with Keely once, I am blessed for that time. I am honored each night that I get to do those things with her brothers.

One thing that losing a child steals from you is your sense of comfort. Nothing is safe. And though I'd give my life to save the life of any one of my children, sometimes that isn't enough. That's a bitter pill to swallow. Oftentimes I can push the fear of realizing this truth aside and other times, it's consuming. Those times of fear, I find myself in hours of prayer. There, and there alone, there is comfort. Someday I'll have all my children together; something I will never get to experience on this earth in the way we all want to so badly.

I find comfort in coming here, to my place to say her name and relieve my fears. She's the only child I don't have to worry about. My life is peaceful, yes. But there are days I have to search hard to pull the warmth of peace back around my shoulders. As Keely's days near, I'll rely on the peace brought by my living children's smiles and laughs and the presence of my beautiful girl in my heart.

"There's a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there.

In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore."

letter to Heaven

2011-03-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

Missing you so deeply tonight, my girl. Please keep watch over your brothers and help us to know you hear it when we ring your chimes at night and each morning. You're constantly on our minds and in our hearts. Keely, you're so very, very missed and loved even more. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

a big sister again

2011-01-03T05:27:00.000-08:00

Keely became a big sister again last month to a 10 lb 12 oz baby brother. We will teach him about her. He will know her name, her face, her importance. He was born in the same hospital as Keely, the same hospital we got to hold her, the same hospital that has a memorial garden where her stepping stone will be set on her birthday this year.

The big brothers proudly wore their shirts and held up the matching shirt (with her name, to be made into a teddy bear) for the big sister.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breathe away."

just a verse

2010-12-30T11:06:00.001-08:00

Psalm 139:9-10

I'm thankful for you, Keely

2010-11-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for every second I got to spend with you growing in my belly.

I'm thankful for all you've taught and continue to teach your brothers.

I'm thankful for the time I got to spend holding you and memorizing your beautiful face.

I'm thankful I got to see the final beats of your heart.

I'm thankful your daddy has a little girl.

I'm thankful you continue to grow; just in our hearts.

I'm thankful for you.

Though I wish her chair wasn't empty this Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for every bit of her life and beyond.

XOXO

Keely's new book

2010-10-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

We have a little bookshelf for Keely that sits next to the trunk that holds all her things. Each year for Christmas, my parents get her a new book in her stocking (so the stocking's not empty) that we put in her shelves (it also has little brother's book "Someone came before you" and big brother's book "We were going to have an baby but got an angel instead"). When the boys have questions or we just need a minute 'with her', we can go to her shelf to read them. Last year, they put "God Gave Us Heaven", etc.

My mom was having a hard time finding the right one for this year so I did some searching and we ordered "I see the moon" by Kathi Appelt and it came in today. It's just perfect. Gorgeous illustrations, adorable story. Definitely a tearjerker but in a good way. The little girl in the illustrations even looks to be around 3 years old <3 Although Keely had blonde hair (and I'm thinking it probably would've stayed that way had she aged). The last page is about God bringing her home safely.

Here's a link that has excerpts and you can see the gorgeous illustrations: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802852262/sr=8-1/qid=1288304709/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1288304709&sr=8-1&seller=#_

for every negative comment, there is a positive one

2010-10-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

I was bothered Wednesday by my admissions appointment at the hospital. Yesterday, with my boys at the bookstore they made friends with a little guy playing at the train table. The little boy's aunt was very friendly and was chatting it up with my boys and myself. She asked their names, they told her. After that, Boston speaks up with "and we're going to have a Beckham soon!". The kind stranger said she loved the name and was very sweet to my oldest son as he went on to say with one finger pointed in the air "and don't forget about Keely!". To this,

she replied "oh, who's Keely?"
my son said "our sister"
when she said "and how old is your sister?"

I spoke up here as my son continued to play and said "she would've been 3"
my son added "she's in Heaven!"

The stranger sweetly smiled and didn't skiip a beat while saying "Wow, you have a special angel watching over you!"

My son offered up an enthusiastic "YUP!" :)

Made.My.Day.

When these situations arise, and there is no reasonable moment to slip in her name, all my insides are screaming "there are more of us!!!!" but I only bring it into the coversation when the opportunity presents itself. I try to tell myself if my oldest children were in school or at home or a friend's house, I wouldn't feel the need to tell people where they are or explain that not all of my children are with me right now. So I only mention her when someone asks how many and the conversation continues. I NEED people to know about her. Not many got to meet her but many know of her. Those who do are lucky :)

I was so grateful that Keely's big brother could step up and tell people of her, just as proud as he is of his living brothers. The things he can accomplish astound me. My children amaze me so much everyday; their bond with each other (even the ones that expand beyond this life, this earth) and how much they can teach one another.

A good day.
XOXO

ouch...

2010-10-20T16:26:00.000-07:00

I just returned home from my pre-admission appointment with the hospital. It went pretty well. This is my 4th baby born at that hospital; I'm pretty good at it by now ;)

That said, here's how a portion of our meeting went:

admissions lady: "So how many children do you have?"
me: "This is baby #4"
admissions lady: "Are they girls or boys?"
me: "Boy, Girl, Boy and this one's a boy"

Several minutes and several questions later...

admissions lady: "How many pregnancies?"
me: "4 with one uncomfirmed {by a hospital} loss"
admissions lady: "so no confirmed miscarriages"
me: "well, our daughter was born still"
admissions lady: "so 5 confirmed pregnancies"
me: "no, my daughter's stillbirth is included in our 4 children"

At this time, she went back to where she'd marked "__2__ boys __1__ girls" and scratched out the 1 and put a 0.

Just like that, she erased Keely from our family on paper :(
You would think a hospital (one with a great bereavement program at that!)would have a better procedure for this situation. You can mark whatever box you'd like, lady, but we have 1 girl and 3 boys. End of story.

random Wednesday thoughts

2010-10-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where this post might be going but I felt the need to write today. We had the Walk to Remember last Saturday. While I couldn't go on the actual walk because of modified bedrest, I got to sit in the "garden of peace" at the hospital where Keely was (and the rest of my children were) born. It truly was a place of peace. I was visited by a single white butterfly and the beauty of the day was all encompassing. My spirit was lifted and I look forward to the possibility of taking Beckham there before we leave the hospital after his birth.

Being a parent to a deceased child is a hard job; few would argue with that. There are many tears, many "what if"s, many "should have been"s and a continuous fight to keep that memory alive in others. But there is a lighter side. There is goodness in every life that graces this world, no matter how quickly it moves on. There is pride, joy and more love than imaginable as a parent, whether your child is living or passed on. There are still stories to tell; not as many as we'd like but they are there.

I don't know what's pressuring me from inside to talk about Keely's life and death so much lately- maybe it's the upcoming birth of another little brother of her's, maybe it's that it's October, maybe it's the feeling that others' ('friends' at one time) grief or even tolerance for grief has run dry. It could be that my current state has made me unable to visit her grave (an hours drive away) as much as I'd like to or as I'm used to, maybe it's the fact that that internal pressure is always there but the energy to explore it isn't. Whatever the reason, I'm here. Writing. I'm Keely's mommy. Keely's gone from this earth now, but she's so much more than gone. Does that even make sense? It does in my head so I'm going with it.

In loving memory of my Keely
XOXO

October 15th

2010-10-15T06:37:00.000-07:00

Today is October 15th.

Most in the bereavement community have been looking forward to this day with both excitement and dread. A day to share your story, your child with all the world to be rememebered. A day to connect with other bereaved families and remember their children. A day to reflect and look forward.

Also a day to MISS, like every other day, but this day look around and realize how many MISSed children there are. A day to shed a tear for them. A day to shed a tear for the families that love them so and ache for them daily. A day to think of how many families will join us next year, but have no idea this year.

We are at a point in our journey that many of our friends have moved on and expect us to have done the same. They don't understand that while we can move forward, we will not move on. Our children are as much a part of us as if they were living still. I can take this day, this month, to soak up the community that I have in other bereaved mothers, in the MISS Foundation and otherwise that know the journey. We will hold each other up, educate those that don't understand and remember with love and gratitude all that our children continue to show us daily.

XOXO

October 1st

2010-10-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. An awareness that the bereaved live with daily and share with the world for the month of October. To celebrate, cherish every moment you have, remember every moment you had.

Missing my sweet Keely today and everyday.

One of my favorite quotes:
"Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine" ~line from a song in Dumbo

so cliche, so true

2010-09-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

"It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved."

So very true. I wouldn't give up one second of the 22w3d we had with our girl or any of the millions of seconds since she's been in our lives.

I guess there's a reason those old sayings stick around.

even from Heaven, little sisters can annoy their brothers

2010-09-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

We just returned from a trail at a local park. The entire time we were there (3 hours) a big black butterfly with blue on it fluttered around my oldest son's face. Butterfly was essentially annoying him to no end. He told me he was pretty sure it was Keely ::giggles::

XOXO

good grief

2010-09-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

I always cringe a little when I see a mainstream article on grief, especially one where the focus is on celebrities. I immediately get defensive and prepare for what seems inevitable "how they got over it", "how they moved on" and the like. I'm sure that the grieving person, celebrity or not, is cringing right along with me. I have yet to meet a bereaved person who has gotten over it. Learned to live with it? Yes. Found ways to cope? Yes. Found ways to hide it from people who seem uncomfortable? Yup.

But this article was a pleasant surprise; focusing on how very normal grieving behavior is even when it doesn't seem like it to the non-bereaved. This article isn't specific to child loss and while I do feel that burying a child adds another layer of the mourning process, grief is grief and most bereavement is misunderstood in mainstream society.

http://www.shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/the-way-we-grieve-now-2389801/

I've read that immense grief can exaggerate normal behaviors for some people and that was certainly true for me. I'm a list maker. Every morning, I have my to-do list. I've been itemizing, alphabetizing and ordering numerically Christmas lists since I could write. When Keely died, it was like some sick obsession. Lists for the funeral home, the hospital, her belongings, the photographs, lists for thank yous, for cards and gifts, for the cemetery and of course, a master list. I didn't think much of it at the time; it seemed healing for me to have tiny sort of control. I didn't think anyone else would notice my list-making. Sometime in the last 3 years, my mom and husband both admitted that they had noticed. I tell her goodnight everynight and ring the windchimes that were given to us from friends for her funeral; it's my way of saying hello. When I leave her grave, I kiss her headstone 4 times and rub the heart on the front. I've always felt that if someone could read my mind, I'd be committed. Now, 3.5 years on this journey, I realize that death is very much a part of {my} life. Most lives. And that's okay; it's a pretty important step!

I love seeing articles like this, that normalize what's actually normal behavior but may not feel like it or seem like it to outsiders.

XOXO

a big brother wise beyond his years

2010-09-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

My 5 year old was the leader in his class today and had to give a presentation on his family to the rest of his classmates. He brought in photos for each family member: a photo of mommy, one of daddy, one of himself, one of his brother Callum, an ultrasound picture of brother Beckham and a photo of a butterfly (he wanted to bring a photo of her headstone too but I thought that might be too much to explain for a 5 year old). He also brought in a family picture where I'm pregnant and wearing Keely's necklace and our dog is in it (the whole family).

He carefully explained to them that this isn't a picture of his sister, but she's in Heaven and has wings so we think of her when we see a butterfly. He explained that he got to hold her and she would be 3 years old now "if she didn't live with Jesus". One of the other children giggled and said "your sister's a butterfly?!?" and he calmly replied "No, she's an angel" very matter of factly.

He has so impressed me with his wisdom and calm nature and the way he can keep his sister 'alive' in a way only a big brother can. It absolutely made my day.

I have to add, as well, that his teacher was great about it. She asked me some questions about it and didn't get weird or awkward at all. I'm glad it's all out there, so there isn't any confusion if/when he talks about her.

One of his little buddies said "I have a sister you can't see too, because she's in school" So maybe no great lessons were learned but he did great and I'm proud of him for including his entire family on his own terms.

letters to Heaven

2010-08-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

My Keely~
I just needed to say your name today, sweet girl. Not a second goes by that you aren't on our minds and felt at our side. Loving and missing you so very much.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Mama

i saw her in my dream

2010-08-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

I have very vivid dreams and can remember them {most nights} in great detail. Sometimes, that's good. Sometimes, very bad. Last night, it was good. Very good.

It was a short dream; just long enough to make me smile though. Keely was in our house, the age she would be now if she'd survived (3 years old). She had hair much like our son Callum; blonde and straight though hers was slightly darker than her little brother's. She had pale skin and dark under eyes, like her older brother and mommy both do. She was barefoot and wearing a little sundress; white with pink flowers on it. She didn't say anything to me, but motioned me down the hallway after her, grinning.

My mind is playing tricks on me now. Is that what she would've looked like? Walked like? Smiled like? I will never know for sure, but I do like a little peek of what might've been.

XOXO

22w3d

2010-08-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

We have made it past that fateful day in this pregnancy. 22w3d was how far along we were when we went in to the OB, only to watch Keely's heart start strong and then slowly fade away into silence. Every ultrasound, I can't help but think of that one. We are SO very lucky to have gotten to see those final beats of her heart; I feel that is a special gift we were given.

And now we are making Keely a big sister yet again, to another baby brother. And we've passed that milestone in this subsequent pregnancy but not without some complications. I've had some bleeding and a shortening cervix so I've been put on some restrictions and a higher watch level. There are times I'm optimisitic and times I'm scared out of my mind. Today is a scared day.

I think back to the time I spent pregnant with Keely, completely unaware of how our lives were about to change and the clock was ticking on us ever so silently. That innocent time of pregnancy is gone to me, despite many around me feeling that we're "normal" now. If only!

I know how lucky we are to have our living children. I know how lucky we are to have Keely. I know how lucky we are. I also know that life will never be the same, in both good ways and in sad.

So as we limp along in pregnancy, aching for December to bring a healthy, screaming baby into our arms, we can think back to our time with Keely and be so very grateful.

XOXO

quotes I love

2010-07-11T05:51:00.000-07:00

"Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch. To love, to hope, to dream, and oh, to lose. A thing for fools this, but a Holy thing, to love what death can touch." ~ Judah Halevi, 12th Century

time slips by quickly

2010-06-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

Though much time has passed that I haven't blogged, not a moment goes by without Keely on my mind. Thought of, spoken of, loved and remembered daily. Always.

XOXO

a delicate few

2010-05-15T15:44:00.000-07:00

There are moments in your life that you want desperately to remember. With every thread of being in you, you want to capture every color, every smell, every sound in the eye of your memory. They are the moments you look back on and recall with great detail; defining moments of your life.

There are moments in your life that haunt you when you close your eyes to sleep. Moments that creep into your dreams and turn them to nightmares that you've already lived. Moments you try with every bit of you to forget, willing away the horrible feeling you had in you at that time. They are moments forever etched in your memory, however unwillingly they may be; defining moments of your life.

Then there are a few memories that are a delicate balance of both. Memories that defined who you are from that moment on. Memories that pain you to remember and pain you to forget.

My bittersweet defining moment was closing the casket. A relatively quiet moment, just my husband and living son at the funeral home, saying our final goodbye to the body that once held the soul of our little girl. A body that desperately needed to rest, earth time having taken its toll. A body that I desperately wanted to keep, willing that heart to beat again.

"I smell the blizzard in the air, winter's bitter love affair" OAR, delicate few

a day for mothers

2010-05-10T05:17:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a day colored in bittersweet, like most all special days of our family because one member is missing. I was given a gift by my Keely, though.

In church, we sang "Near to the heart of God". We sang that song at Keely's graveside at her funeral and it will always hold a special place in my heart. I sang the first two verses proudly and on the third, out of nowhere, I burst into tears. I'll take that song as my special mother's day present from my girl.

XOXO

butterfly season

2010-04-30T07:03:00.000-07:00

"A butterfly lights beside us
and for a brief moment its beauty and glory belong to this world.
But then it flies on again
and though we wish it would've stayed, we feel lucky to have seen it at all".

It's butterfly season and each flutter reminds me of my girl, so very missed, so very loved. Always remembered. XOXO

We survived

2010-04-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

We survived April 11, 2010, 3 years.

Into another year without our girl, determined to pass on her legacy. We had a lovely balloon release with just a few of the closest family members present. We released balloons for other MISSed children as well. Before our balloons were sent into the sky on a beautiful sunny day, we wrote message of love to our Keely. I made her a butterfly cake that we all shared after the balloons were far gone.

intuition

2010-04-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

As I begin the journey of the subsequent (after loss) pregnancy for the second time and the worry about my 4th child is a constant companion, it's had me thinking back to my time carrying Keely; the last time I could be a "it won't happen to me" pregnant girl.

This pregnancy, I'm afraid that I'm mistaking my fear and worry for intuition. Is my being scared a way to warn me about something or cushion a blow that has yet to be seen? Realistically, probably not. It is what it is: fear and worry when you know all too well what can go wrong so very quickly in pregnancy.

But it has me thinking back to when I was pregnant with Keely and my mom got me a frame for one of our ultrasounds. We had just come from a successful visit at the OB and had seen Keely fluttering around, so very full of life. The frame is lovely and to this day, it sits on our shelf housing that very same ultrasound photo from the day we picked it up. We didn't know the gender at the time so it's green and says "love you now and forever". Immediately upon reading the phrase, it read to me like it was for a baby that had died. I didn't say anything at the time because I did like it and didn't want to sound morbid or like I didn't like the gift. That was the moment I look back on and think "maybe I knew". Maybe on some level, I was being prepared for the fact that we'd end up with a grave for our child instead of our child. Maybe something inside me knew.

But, maybe everybody has a random moment like that and nobody remembers them except the bereaved mothers, the ones who go back over every second of pregnancy wondering about sliding doors. What if?

I prodded friends and family recently to make sure I was a paranoid during my pregnancy with my first rainbow baby. They assured me I was a nut :)

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." Maya Angelou

the purpose of life

2010-04-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

A topic that has been pondered by every generation since the beginning of time and every conclusion has been drawn from people being the center of the universe to our existence being inconsequential. Regardless, it's still a question that is pondered daily.

I would never be so bold as to suggest I know the meaning of life aside from knowing that our true purpose is to live a life that guides us into the gates of Heaven upon our death.

But as the mother of a child who is (Lord willing) paving my way there, I believe that beyond the one true purpose, each life has a million little, everyday purposes. Furthermore, our purpose doesn't cease to exist when our soul finds its way Home. A legacy lives on in our name, a purpose of guidance to those left behind.

This may very well be coming out as a rambling mess, but I trust I'll feel better just getting it out there. Keely's life was so very short. Too short. But we've always known that her purpose far surpassed her years. Not only does her purpose surpass her years, but it goes beyond herself or even her siblings and parents. Many people love her. Many people are moved by her existence. Many people want to see her again. Many people are trying to be better people to be able to see her again. And it's not just Keely. Every soul who passes through this world, however quickly, has a purpose and while I can't pretend to understand, my faith lies in the fact that each path I cross is intertwined with my own and even without conscious, we are part of each other's lives. A very short life has done a whole lot of good. Good beyond measure.

"like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand" Bob Dylan

3 years ago today

2010-04-02T04:16:00.001-07:00

At 11:20 am, 3 years ago today, our sweet Keely slipped into Heaven. She changed our lives in the blink of an eye and we miss her every second of everyday. So very, very missed but even more loved.

"rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine"

Easter and an angel day

2010-03-31T17:17:00.000-07:00

We had originally planned to have her celebration on her angel day since I was going to be racing on her birthday but when I had to drop the race due to a 3rd degree muscle tear, we decided to switch it back to her birthday and I've found that to be such a relief. I like being able to celebrate her birthday and would rather it just be us for her angel day because it tends to be the most emotionally sad day for me. I like to think of her birthday as our chance to hold her and celebrate her life and remember the immense relief upon laying her to rest (such a strange sensation). So Friday, we're going up to the cemetery and instead of leaving a bundle of pink roses that will eventually die and I'll have to collect them and throw them away, we're going to get two bags of rose petals and throw them into the wind around her headstone. They can fly all over the place and we don't have to worry about dead flowers there, but some might stick around for a bit <3 We had pink and white rose petals lining the aisle at our wedding as well.

Kind of as a sidenote: We've started a tradition where each year, in Keely's Easter basket, there's a new Easter decoration for us to put up in the house. That way, we collect some fun things to decorate our house and not everything that reminds us of Keely is a "sad" thing.

On Friday at 11:20 am, it will have been 3 years since we watched that beautiful heartbeat stop and our world forever changed. We love, love, love you little girl. We miss you times a thousand, but love you even more.

She gave us a gift for her day!

2010-03-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

This Friday is Keely's angel day. 3 years ago, at 11:20 am, she slipped into the arms of Jesus.

Yesterday, at only 8 days past ovulation, I got a positive pregnancy test. We are expecting baby #4 in December.

Keely~ Baby, please watch over your little brother or sister <3

springtime at home

2010-03-18T12:00:00.001-07:00

One might think this is the time of year I'd fill pages and pages with words of remembrance of Keely. But in truth, this is the time of year that it's all I can do to get through each day without tears. Sounds dramatic, right? Well, it is. The smell of the flowers, the day starting chilly and warming up drastically, the cloudless sky; all markers of spring and of that time we held our girl and said goodbye. Everyday is a look back and a look forward. Another day gone without her. Another day blessed to be her mother. Another day blessed with her brothers at my side. Another day to look back with both happy memories of her life and sad memories of our heartbreak.

As we ease our way to "her days", I may post less and less and conserve my energy for having any energy at all. Grief is exhausting and ongoing. 3 years down the road and it's hard to express the gaping hole at our family dinner table. So very gone, but even more loved.

"Oh, they tell me of a home far beyond the skies, Oh, they tell me of that home faraway." hymn

what's the address again?

2010-03-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

Boston requested we make cards to send to Keely. He specifically wanted the butterfly thank you notes in the drawer from her last birthday so we got them out and the boys drew the most beautiful pictures for Sis. Boston's even had her name on it <3 I love it when they come up with ways on their own to remember their sister and keep her an everyday part of our lives. The hard part came when he wanted to address it. So, we addressed it to "Heaven" and will leave it at her grave on Sunday.

"We cannot always assure the future of our friends; we have a better chance of assuring our future if we remember who our friends are." Henry Kissinger

17 pages in and I have to stop...

2010-03-01T04:52:00.000-08:00

but not because I won't finish, but because I have to rave. I've wanted to read this book since it was published and finally picked it up yesterday. 17 pages in and I'm hooked. Already, I have to stop and tell the world to read it. It's about stillbirth and a subsequent baby, but it's an insight into the mind of a bereaved parent. While I don't agree with everything she says (I don't think there's a person in the world I agree with 100%!), I found myself nodding and wishing I'd been able to so eloquently express what she did. I want to buy a copy for everybody I know; both bereaved and non bereaved. I want people to understand and while I know they can't, this will take them closer than before.

"An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken

"But mostly, I just missed my own child."

October 15th

2010-02-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day...

We celebrate every year, along with the families of so many children gone too soon. We celebrate it every year and, for some reason, I've failed to share that on my blog. So share I will. Here are some pictures taken of our "Sunday candle" last October 15th, as Keely's waterglobe played Brahm's Lullaby.

a heart in the snow

2010-02-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

I was finally able to go visit the cemetery. It was still a bit treacherous, but I've been there in worse. It's so peaceful there in the snow. The sun was bright and the snow drifts sparkled. I dug out around Keely's stone so that I could repair the butterfly that had fallen off from wind and uncover the candles we placed for Valentine's Day as well as the rose left by my mom, Keely's Nannie. Only tracks from bunnies were there. I drew a big heart in the snow, above where Keely lays. I wish I'd had a camera to take a picture of it because with the wind, it's probably gone already. But now it can be special between just her and her mama.

"Dawn is born at midnight" Carl Jung

this is the time we had you, Keely

2010-02-09T05:22:00.001-08:00

This time of year always makes me think of my girl.
This is the time of year we recorded a video diary everyday of pregnancy.
This is the time of year we got snowed in so I could take advantage of snuggling up my belly and my living son.
This is the time of year we braved the cold to go baby shopping.
This is the time of year that gives us peeks of spring weather, enough to go to the park one day or be tricked into thinking it's later in the year than it is.
This is the time of year Keely lived.
This is the time of year we could feel her kicks so strongly.
This is the time of year we chose names.
This is the time of year I felt SO sure she was a boy (you can't be right EVERY time!)
This is the time of year I last was naive, so sure, invincible.
This was the time of year I had you, living.

my favorite movie spawned another special moment

2010-02-07T05:45:00.000-08:00

Steel Magnolias has been my favorite movie for many years. I've often quoted a line from it that is probably my favorite quote (which is saying a lot for a quot-aholic like myself).

"laughter through tears is my favorite emotion".

So very, very true.

I watched the movie Friday night, as I have many nights. My sweet husband came in from working at the computer to the scene where M'Lynn is standing alone at her daughter's casket after all the other mourners left the cemetery. He said to me "I bet when you watched this movie as a little girl, you never thought you'd know how she felt".

It means so much to me that he thinks it and maybe even more importantly that he said it.

"there was no sound, no tremble. just peace" M'Lynn's description of Shelby's passing, a description very similar to my memories of Keely's final moments

we'll always be different

2010-02-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

In the early days of Keely's passing, we were overwhelmed with support. So many came out of nowhere to hold our hands and shed tears with us. As time passed, the numbers willing to say her name were less and with each year, the "rememberers" are fewer.

Now, nearly 3 years into this journey, I feel more "normal". I can walk through the mall not wondering if every stranger could see it in my eyes, wondering if they too, had lost a child. I can confidently and without fear tell a stranger that I have 3 children and if the convesation persists, explain my stance. I am a proud mother and while not all of my children can be seen at my side, they are there and they are represented. But while I'm becoming more comfortable in my new normal, there are moments, days, sometimes weeks that the blaring, vast differences between myself and the non bereaved pound away at me. Sometimes without great "aha" moments, most of the time completely unforeseen, I'll remember or be reminded that we are different.

This difference has introduced me to some of the best friends I have in this world. I have been introduced to friends who "know". Despite loving Keely and trying to know, these other mothers KNOW. We can say our children's name in celebration without an awkward moment of trying to find words when we know all too well that there are none. I'm am so grateful for these moments with these mothers, who are like me. I'm grateful for my other friends who try to know but am filled with reminders that we are different. At least in this one, profound way, we are different. That's okay too.

"There is a great difference between knowing and understanding: you can know a lot about something and not really understand it." Charles F. Kettering

missing...

2010-02-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

The snow and ice is keeping me from visiting the cemetery (an hour's drive away) yet again. I miss visiting my little girl's resting place. It feels strange to not get to visit often right now. My mom will run by to check on things for me, though, so that's a comfort.

the new Duggar addition...

2010-02-01T12:32:00.001-08:00

I watched the Duggar birth special last night. In fact, I'd been waiting for it since their little girl's birth.

1 lb. 6 oz. Just 3 oz bigger than Keely. It's so rare that you see a baby so very tiny and even more that you see a baby so very tiny alive. A little screaming, breathing miracle; just about the same size, just about the same age. If Keely had the chance to take a breath on this earth, she might've made it. The little diapers, the little hats; so similar.

I cried so hard last night. I cried for my girl and our heartache. I cried for the Duggars and how afraid they must be. I cried for all of us missing those little tiny hands and feet. And I cried tears of joy for them because Josie is alive and tears of joy for us because we had the gift of Keely and our boys. I will count my many blessings and name them one by one.

easter and taxes

2010-01-30T12:32:00.000-08:00

The yearly sting of taxes has already hit our house. Dependents: 2. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I don't want the money, I want her included. **sigh** It's the little things, isn't it?

Despite the surprise 7 inches of snow on the ground outside, the stores are filling up with bunnies and eggs and reminders that eventually spring will arrive and with it, Easter. Easter makes me think of Keely. Now it could be because she died the week before Easter and we chose to wait to deliver until the next week, so she had passed away but I still carried her when we had Easter that year. But I suspect it would remind me of her anyway. Easter seems like a girly holiday to me. My memories of Easter as a little girl are of frilly dresses, white gloves and hats. I think Easter was the only time in childhood I wore a hat. It's hard to find good boy Easter clothes and I've never had a problem with that at Christmas or any other time, but Easter I only seem to find dresses that I like.

Tax day and Easter are both months away but anyway...

another day, another flower

2010-01-22T08:49:00.000-08:00

I visited my girl this morning to find another little white flower stuck into the ground next to her headstone. My girl has a secret admirer <3>

I needed that today. You always hear that there are "some good days and some bad days" and that rings true nearly 3 years down the road and well,....forever. I've had some bad days. Days where it still seems surreal. Days I want to cry for no new reason. Days I do cry for no new reason. Days that the wonder consumes my thoughts.

Keely's big brother wanted to show me the alphabet he made. They put a word next to each letter to represent it. There it was: B for Boston, C for Callum, K for Keely.

One of the strange things I've always lamented in her passing was never getting to read her name scribbled sloppily on a kindergarten paper. Well now I can't say that. It wasn't her writing but it was so, so special. I cannot wait to get that paper home and cherish it, with all of his other works. I don't even think he realizes what a special boy he is. But I do.

Valentine's Day decorations

2010-01-15T08:11:00.000-08:00

Boston helped me decorate Keely's grave this morning for Valentine's Day. I had planned to take down the red garland and leave up the purple but B liked them both so they stayed. We did take up her stocking and the golden leaves from around her butterfly. The butterfly stayed and so did her pinwheel. We added two pink heart shaped tea light holders with candles in them. We'll light them on the day.

<3

"What the heart once loved can never truly be lost" I can't remember where I heard that, but I like it.

Quotes on grief; yours

2010-01-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

If anybody's reading this, what quote or verse or passage do you find comfort in? In times of grief is there a song verse, Bible verse or poem that you look to? Whether you're a bereaved parent, you've buried a grandparent or a pet, what helps you grieve?

I have many, many, many that I love. I can remember reading 23rd Psalms several hundred times as I was in labor with Keely. Lines in many songs ring close to my heart: Dashboard Confessional's line "my heart is sturdy but it needs you to survive" is one.

A verse close to, if not at, the top of my list is Psalm 4:8.

Boston had a dream about Keely

2010-01-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

He awoke and told me a bit about his dream before telling me that he wanted to go back to sleep so he could see her again.

<3

I'm feeling like a lacking mother lately. The ice and snow have kept me away from my little girl's grave. Never a minute from my heart or thoughts but I miss that peaceful place she's laid to rest. Lord willing, I'll be heading there Friday to check on things and put out her Valentine's Day decorations that her brothers lovingly picked out.

quotes I love

2010-01-07T07:08:00.001-08:00

This is a quote we used in the paper for Keely's angelversary and it's part of a little shadow box of her belongings. It's been one of my favorite quotes since I was sitting in the hospital in labor with her.

"Our joys will be greater
Our love will be deeper
Our lives will be fuller
Because we shared your moment"

No words have ever been more true <3

escape

2010-01-05T12:20:00.000-08:00

This word has been coming up a lot lately. Escape. People wanting to escape the cold. People wanting to escape their pain. People wanting to escape from the holiday obligations.

Admittedly, I read far too much into things. I read between the lines and, at the same time, manage to read each word quite literally. Lately, I've found myself looking up actual definitions of words so I could dissect meaning or intent.

the definition of escape:

1. to break loose from confinement

2. to issue from an enclosure

3. to avoid a serious or unwanted outcome

It seems to me that escape is a temporary thing. It's putting off the inevitable. Is it possible to escape the cold? Yes, so long as you can afford a plane ticket or vacation home. Is it possible to escape holiday obligations? Maybe, so long as you have a good enough excuse. But, the cold returns or you return to it. The holidays roll around next year and eventually, someone will be onto you. Is it possible to escape pain or bereavement? I don't think so. You can stifle it temporarily or you can have a good moment, a genuine and good moment but the grief is still there, waiting. Sounds ominous, right? Well, I don't see it as a bad thing. I think that's hard, nearly impossible, for the non-bereaved to understand. Pain is a part of grief and grief is a constant reminder of my child. Yes it's a constant reminder that she's not here with us, but a reminder of her is good. A reason to say her name is good.

"Life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone" Jack Kerouac

first post of a new year

2010-01-04T06:14:00.000-08:00

We've made it into 2010. This year, we'll celebrate 5th, 3rd and 2nd birthdays and, Lord willing, a new birthday at the end of the year or beginning of next. What the year coming has in store for us is up for guessing. I've fully accepted the fact I have very little control in that; not an easy pill to swallow for a self proclaimed control freak! Hopefully a sold sign in front of our house, some beautiful celebrations, some miracles realized and some tears, both happy and sad. I can look ahead in hope, knowing that we have a little angel watching over us and with faith, we walk.

ringing in

2009-12-31T10:39:00.001-08:00

It goes without saying that we'll be celebrating yet another holiday without our family completely here; another holiday with our girl in Heaven. But it's also another Thursday without her, another midnight not waking up to her cry and another morning will break without her at home.

But, the toast will mean a little more, our hugs will be a little tighter and prayers a little longer because we have her.

Cheers. May 2010 bring unparalelled happiness to anyone who reads Keely's name today.

God bless.

Psalm 4:8

new life to training

2009-12-30T12:15:00.000-08:00

As I posted about before, I'll be celebrating Keely's life by running in my town's inaugural full marathon on her 3rd birthday. I've run countless races before and many marathons. I've trained for thousands of miles, many of which were on the same trails. I've had good training days and bad. Days where I had to force myself out and days I couldn't wait to go. This round has been different. I haven't yet had a day I had to force myself to get motivated or put off a training run. I feel so driven and I think it has to do with running this for Keely and for all the MISSing babies. With their names on my shoulders, I want to do them all proud and train my hardest to do well in their honor. Six days a week, I run. 3 days a week, I cross train. 7 days a week, I pray.

"If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail."

secret admirer strikes again

2009-12-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

We visited Keely's grave Christmas Eve as soon as we got into town, before we even got to my parents' house. We lit our candle and shed some tears. While my heart is full always, even at the holidays, I miss my girl and wonder what mischief she'd be causing alongside her brothers. Christmas day, we went back to the cemetery; this time, to find a single sprig of lilies of the valley that had been tucked into the ground next to her stone. Upon arriving back at my parents house, we asked my family members if they'd stopped by to see Keely and left a gift. Nope, none of them. We assumed it was none of my in laws but asked anyway; no, none have ever been to see her headstone or visit her, nevermind on Christmas. So again, stranger, thank you. I think. I love that she has touched someone's heart and is visited when I can't be there but I do wonder who you are.

Possibly by chance the lilies of the valley were chosen, but there is significance in my own heart. Lilies of the valley have always been my favorite flower. I carried them in my wedding bouquet along with three hand blown glass lilies of the valley. They were tucked into the white roses on Keely's casket in the bouquet from Sam, Boston and I.

"For a Special Granddaughter; Every time we call out 'Merry Christmas', another angel smiles and hovers near. Merry Christmas to one of God's brightest and best blessings. Love, Nana & Poppy" ~Keely's card from my parents, her Nana and Poppy in her stocking at Christmas

Merry Christmas in Heaven

2009-12-23T10:09:00.000-08:00

We'll light a candle on Keely's grave Christmas Eve and stay until the flame dies. Her stocking will be hung with the stockings of her brothers. We'll wonder what might've been and miss her. Most of all, we'll give thanks that we had her at all.

For anyone missing a child or any loved one on Christmas, wishing you gentle days ahead and peace in the darkest moments.

XOXO

"sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see" Polar Express

sometimes

2009-12-14T05:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I just feel the need to say her name. There are days I search out signs and memories; I hope someone else will notice and say it first so I know they're thinking of her too. There are many days like this around Christmas. Every child should be with their parents and siblings Christmas morning, in jammies, waiting to see if Santa's been there. Be with us on Christmas, miss Keely Rae. We miss you.

little red flowers

2009-12-13T06:57:00.001-08:00

The last two times at the cemetery, someone has left a little red flower on Keely headstone <3 Thank you, stranger.

"And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." 1 Corinthians 13:13

visions of our sugar plum

2009-12-01T11:12:00.000-08:00

Boston came to me this morning telling me that Marney (my grandmother, next to whom Keely is buried) took Keely to the movies to see Barbie and the Nutcracker. Where he would ever come up with such a story is beyond me <3 I'm glad he did though. 4 year old story or not, it brings me comfort and sounds like something my Marney would do.

Keely's Barbie

2009-12-01T04:57:00.000-08:00

The first Christmas without Keely, what should've been her first Christmas, we got a Holiday Barbie for her. I collected them as a little girl and I couldn't bear to have an empty stocking for her every year so we put her Barbie in there. As I got out the decorations, I looked long and hard at the Holiday Barbie 2007. Keely would've been 2.5 this year. This is the first year she would've been able to play with her Barbie. But Barbie is still in the box and will stay there. Forever.

I know most bereaved families have a rough patch this time of year. It's supposed to be a time to be with your family and enjoy a kind of togetherness that we can never have. So close to perfect, but it can never be. I miss my girl. My boys miss their sister. My husband misses his girl. I love this time of year. I still do. I love it and it can never be the same.

"she'll be home for Christmas, if only in our dreams"

2009-11-30T05:57:00.000-08:00

At the cemetery over the weekend, I looked above my head to see some birds flying south for the winter. They were flying in the shape of a heart <3

Coincidence? Probably, but I choose to believe otherwise.

"Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to" Miracle on 34th Street

giving thanks

2009-11-24T11:21:00.000-08:00

In a few days, Americans will sit around a table with their families and give thanks for all we have. I will sit around a table with most of my family and give thanks for all I have as well as that which I don't have. We may not have Keely with us, but we have her, we had her and she continues to gift us with lessons beyond this life. I will be thankful for those other chairs at the table that used to be filled with loved ones, who are now at Keely's table. I am thankful every day for my children. Each and every one of them.

always the little things

2009-11-23T05:29:00.001-08:00

Just seeing a post on a message board directed to "moms of girls" is enough. I am, but I can't answer.

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

full circle....of friends

2009-11-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

When Keely was born, we were blessed with a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to photograph our girl and are blessed daily to have those beautiful, tangible memories of her. A few months later, I became and affiliated photographer and later, area coordinator as well. In doing so, I've been blessed to spend time with some truly amazing families and honored to be in the presence of angels. Who gets to say that? Not just anybody <3 I feel so very lucky to have crossed paths with these lovely creatures and the families that love, and miss, them so very much. In an odd twist of fate a media person that I came into contact with a year and a half ago through NILMDTS lost their own child and remembered mine name. Such an honor to get to meet and spend a few precious moments with their child when first, they had come to me about mine.

I'm an oil portrait artist and have been for several years now. Since losing my girl, I have started my own non profit organization wherein I do oil paintings of children for the families they said goodbye to much too soon. I can't begin to describe the kind of peace this brings me and, I hope, the families as well. I love being able to do this in Keely's memory and give the gift of tangible peace to a grieving family. I have a waiting list that is, most likely, a year or more long. Again, I am so very blessed to be a small part of the lives of these beautiful souls.

And MISS. Mothers in Sympathy and Support. What could I possibly have done these past 2.5 years without MISS and the friendships brought to me through that wonderful organization. Lost. Some of the best friends on this earth were met there and I'm so very thankful for that.

All of these things were huge blessings in my life, huge blessings that wouldn't have been without my little girl's life. Every email from a MISS mama that makes me smile is because of my Keely and her angel friends that brought us together. So many little blessings.

I think of other bereaved families as kindred spirits, members of an exclusive club that no one wants to belong to but feels close to and protective of its members. For no matter how much others might try, they can't truly understand and all of us who do wish we didn't.

so very final

2009-11-16T10:01:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely conversation with another bereaved mother. Though I often feel like a veteran at 2.5 years on this road, she had me trumped at 12 years. It was both sad and amazing at how very similar our feelings are. There are ups and downs, bad days and good, days when you feel like you could crumble up into a million pieces and times of such peace. There are days of purpose and lost days. There are days of missing her and days of missing her more. Not a minute goes by without a thought of her. 9.5 years from now, when I've been on this journey 12 years, it looks like those days will still be present. It's like the little old lady I see at the cemetery from time to time, putting flowers on Pearl's grave. Pearl's headstone says she was born and died on the same day in 1949 and her mother (I'm guessing it's her mother) faithfully visits her place and, I pray, finds some peace. If I thought about it, of course, my love and loss will still be there to the day I die. I just hadn't thought of it or maybe tried not to. So few things in this life are so very final. We can't know how long we'll be blessed with the loved ones we're lucky to walk beside, but we know that we can't in this life walk beside those we've lost. What this world is missing...

they played her song

2009-11-08T17:16:00.000-08:00

Hubby and I had our first solo date with each other since having kids...so in over 4 years! We went to see Dashboard Confessional perform with the Louisville Orchestra. I can't even put into words how good the show was. I'm not often left speechless but a.m.a.z.i.n.g.

They could've chosen hundreds of songs, literally. The second to last one was the one I was hoping to hear. My eyes teared up and my heart swelled. The song came out not too long before Keely's birth/death and we've always thought it special and appropriate. It's her song. It made a concert and night that would've been incredible nonetheless, unforgettable.

"We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grant farewells
Crush the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed,
too early to say goodnight
You have stolen my heart
And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in the highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel
You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart" Dashboard Confessional

fate

2009-11-05T10:51:00.000-08:00

I have plans for Keely's 3rd birthday. They were kind of made for me.

I'm a marathoner and our town is planning its inaugural full marathon for next spring. Last week, the date was announced: April 11th, Keely's 3rd birthday. I deliberated for a long time if I would feel like racing on her day and have decided to run, but run it in her honor. I will wear a tank that shows her angel wings on my shoulder and paint "running for our angels" across the back of my arms. If I am able to get permission from them, I'll have the MISS Foundation's website on the back of my shirt, along with Keely's name and date. I feel so good about this now. I can be active in my grief and maybe even spread a little awareness to my little girl's life and passing. I kind of feel like it was fate. We'll still have her balloon release as usual on Saturday and I'll run on Sunday. I only hope she'll be running with me <3

'Ask yourself: "Can I give more?". The answer is usually: "Yes". 'Paul Tergat

a few things...

2009-10-25T15:39:00.000-07:00

My posts are more sporatic as I fet farther into this journey, I feel less entitled to my feelings. Silly, right? It is what it is. I guess I'm feeling entitled again today because I want to get a few things out there.

October 15th came this year and rocked my heart a little more than it had in previous years. I wanted desperately to be a part of a walk but none in my area. Thankfully, there is a group near where we'll be moving to so I'm hoping to join them in the years to come; on October 15th and for get togethers now and then. We lit our candles for the wave of light. I couldn't even begin to count how many individual ones we might need; couldn't begin to count how many loving, grieving families that have touched our own hearts and shared tears with. So I just lit them all; every candle I could find in the house and let them burn at 7 pm. I cried often that night and can't even really voice why aside from the obvious. I guess just knowing how many people all over the world were grieving with me was both heartbreaking and cathartic; that so many children are missed and yet we aren't ever alone in that grief.

The grass has been cut at the cemetery one last time this year. It's beautiful there. It's peaceful and serene and everything I've been hoping it would be in the years it wasn't properly cared for.

"Do you hear me?
i'm talking to you
Across the water
Across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky
Oh my, baby I'm trying " Jason Mraz "lucky"

a little glimpse

2009-10-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile, I see a glimpse of what might've been. In my mind's eye, I can age that precious little face that didn't even get to see 40 weeks, aging her to who would now be a bouncy, bubbly 2.5 year old.

There's a Rice Crispies commercial that stopped me in my tracks. 2.5 year old girl with white-blonde hair and eyelashes to Texas. It's like a little peek and I'm so thankful for them. I find much peace in them.

XOXO

"Now sleep, child of mine, while the stars shine above. I love you as much as a mother can love." I love you as much book, read in our home nightly

October 15th...

2009-09-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

...a day to remember, honor and celebrate the lives of our little ones who left this world too soon.

Please mark the day on your calender, in your mind and with your heart. If you know someone new to this journey, say their child's name, help them know you will remember, light a candle. If you know someone well acquainted with their grief, say their child's name, help them know you will remember, light a candle. Years pass and we "handle" the grief better, we go days even weeks without tears. We find ways to honor our children, be it quietly or in the glare of the sun. To many, we are 'back to normal' but know that normal is very, very different now. Know that each of our childrens' names are behind each breath. Know that with ever milestone, a vital part of our family is missed. Know that we long to hear that you know that.

Spread the word that October 15th should be celebrated and remembered by all because everyone knows someone affected by infant and pregnancy loss, whether they realize it or not.

XOXO

and so it goes...

2009-09-20T14:46:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time since I've written here. A very long time.

I've had a few of these moments since Keely died: moments where I feel such a deep sadness, missing her that I don't have the energy in me to write, to go to my bereavement group, to do much but remember and cry here and there. I'm always thankful for the beautiful life that I have but I'm always missing a major part of that life. Thankfully, her cemetery has been cared for so beautifully this year and I've found much peace there. There are still times, often, in this journey that I'm 2.5 years into that I stop and think "this is it. I have a child that has died." It will never seem normal. I'm not sure I'll ever truly believe it. We passed Sept 12th, the day originally thought to be Keely's due date (though it was waaaay off) and while most of the time I don't think of that day as one of "her" days, it does cross my mind. I see friends' daughters celebrating 2 years on this earth and wonder if she'd have curls or bright blonde hair like her baby brother. Would she be a wild woman? I suspect. Would she be a bit shy? Most likely not, but we'll never know for sure. That's the hardest part; the never.

Life passes so very quickly around me and I try to soak up every. last. second with my beautiful living children. How did they grow to be so big, so smart, so very them. My oldest boy is thriving in preschool. They talk about siblings and he talks about his brother. And he talks about his sister. My 4 year old is more wise to grief than most adults I know. He knows it's not only okay to talk about her, but it's encouraged, it's expected. His little brother will grow up knowing nothing else than it being okay to talk about the sister he never got to meet on earth.

My some miracle, her butterfly at the cemetery is still there. I didn't think it would make it over night and it's been 2 months so far <3

We're coming closer to the time to think about baby #4. As soon as baby #3 weans (whenever he decides that will be), we'll get to it! I'm excited to think about 2 lines on a pregnancy test and nervous for all the fears that come along with those lines. I don't think this go round will be quite as scary. I feel more peace as of now but it's easier to think of when it's an abstract maybe. But time will tell and I'm okay with that too.

And so while I'm sorry for the time I've spent away from the blog, I know I didn't spend it away from her. Not a minute goes by that all of my children aren't in every thought, every prayer. I'm so very blessed. Sometimes the strongest emotions cannot be spoken.

my dream

2009-08-31T06:46:00.001-07:00

I had a dream about my sweet girl last night. She was still a baby, though a bit bigger than when I held her in my arms. She was wrapped in a soft white blanket with one naked arm peeking out, free. She was sleeping soundly and suckling in her sleep, just like her brothers did as newborns. This time, though, her beautiful lips were pink.

I love and miss my girl, think of her, speak of her everyday. Always

XOXO

"I promise I will hold you, another time, another place" Joanne Cacciatore